“Thank you for today, Ren. You made it a lot better than I anticipated. I appreciate the ride, too.” She grabs her backpack, and I get out to help her out of the Jeep.
“Thanks for today, too,” I say and hold her hand another minute, reluctant to let it go. “I’ll be here at seven-thirty in the morning.”
“Oh, you don’t have—”
“I’ll be here,” I say, cutting her off. She smiles and nods, and as much as I don’t want to, I let her hand go.
I climb in my Jeep and watch to make sure she gets inside okay before I leave. When I’m far enough away that I know she can’t see, I pull out my cell phone and hit the top saved number.
“Dad, I’m gonna need you to give my girlfriend a job.”
9
Lily
I look around the living room. I finally got the last box unpacked. Each move, we have less and less that we bring with us. Our old life is slowly disappearing. I wonder if the pain will still linger when it’s all gone. Will my father and I be able to stop living in this misery that’s always hanging around us?
When I hear the front door open, I turn to see my father stumble in. He almost trips over his own feet, and I rush over, trying to stop him from falling to the hardwood floor.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” he bellows and thrusts his arm at me.
He pushes me back, and the force causes my feet to tangle. I lose my balance and can’t catch myself in time, and I fall. A sharp point shoots through my back, the corner of a small table. I scream as the blinding pain sears through my body.
“Goddamn it, Lily.” My father bends towards me, his once-dark hair now streaked with gray, the wrinkles around his eyes stark. They’ve doubled over the last few years. He looks worn to the bone. The alcohol, combined with the death of my mother, shows all over his face. His filthy breath fills my lungs as his fingers dig into my arm, and he pulls me to stand. I bite back another yelp, my back now throbbing.
“Sorry,” I say, wanting to look anywhere but at him. He doesn’t release my arm, and I have to look back up at him. He stares down at me, his eyes wild. He doesn’t know where he is, and that knowledge sends terror rushing through me. His hold tightens on my arm, and I don’t know how far he’s about to go. “Dad,” I whimper.
“You look just like her. I can’t stand it.”
With that he releases me with a small shove and heads into the kitchen. I hear him banging around for a minute, then everything goes quiet. I know he’s eating the simple spaghetti with hamburger I made. I left a plate wrapped in plastic for him on the table. I didn’t know when he’d be back. Sometimes he comes right after work, and other times he ends up at a bar until late into the night. If that’s the case, he comes home well after I’m asleep. I prefer him to go to the bar. When he comes home straight from work, I have to watch him slip away drink by drink. At least when he does it there I don’t have to see it.
Slipping away upstairs, I go to my room and put as much distance between him and me as possible. I wish I had a phone or some kind of computer to look up the hardware store Ren told me about, anything to get my mind off what just happened. I look at myself in the mirror, lifting my shirt to see a bright red mark where my back hit the table. That’s going to hurt in the morning.
There was no regret from my dad tonight. Maybe he’s still too drunk. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten hurt trying to help him. I don’t know why I keep trying, but I can’t help myself.
I let my shirt drop, not wanting to look at the mark anymore. I grab my notepad, lie back on my bed, and let my pencil go. I think about the boy who made me forget for the first time in years. I want to be back in the cafeteria for those few minutes we shared. Remembering the brownie, I reach into my backpack and pull it out. I debate eating it, but instead I put it on my nightstand, wanting to save it.
I want to believe what he told me, that what Kristen said didn’t matter, but it still lingers in the back of my mind. It’s hard to believe something good when everything has been so bad for so long. Why would she lie? She did seem catty when I heard her talking this morning. I know she has a thing for Ren, or wants to have one. If she really thought he was such a bad guy, then why would she want him?
I think back to all she said when she didn’t notice I was sitting in the office. She said he was an asshole, but she didn’t care. I know some girls like that. I don’t get it. I’d want sweet and loving.
My father was never the sweetest, but he loved my mom. Probably more than anything else in the whole world. Me, included. I’d once overheard them fighting over having another child after I’d asked my mom for a brother or sister. His words have always stuck in my head. “You wanted a baby and I gave you one, Marie. You know I’d give you anything I could, but I’m not sharing any more of you or your time. One is all we’re having. It’s enough.”
Now the woman he loves more than anything is gone, and he’s stuck with a kid he only had for her. And the worst part is every time he looks at me, all he can see is her, and I think it’s slowly driving him insane. Maybe I’m the reason he drinks. He can’t bear looking at me each day when he comes home. He stays late at the bar in hopes of not having to see me at all.
I look down at my notepad and gasp. It’s Ren, looking like a warrior. His face is hard like he’s ready for battle. His short dark hair is a mess, sweat coating his body. How can someone look so scary but so safe at the same time? He told me I was special. I don’t know why that keeps playing over and over in my head. Maybe because I haven’t felt special since my mother was alive. I want to be special to someone again. To know I’m cared for, and not out of obligation. I pull the notepad to my chest, letting my eyes fall closed as sleep takes me. For the first time in a long time, I look forward to tomorrow.