She pulled my blazer closed around her. I should’ve brought her a damn sweatshirt instead of a useless bunch of roses. “You were right this afternoon,” she said. “By trying not to fall into old patterns, I overcorrected and pushed you away.”
“I know, but I’m not going anywhere. See?” Behind her, the hospital’s neon sign buzzed. The automatic doors opened for a woman in scrubs. “I’m here.”
“I can’t tell you what that means to me.”
“Don’t tell me,” I murmured. On the curb, in her heels, she was tall enough that I wouldn’t have to bend to kiss her. Did I have to wait any longer? “Show me.”
She glanced at the ground. “Who would’ve thought, all those weeks ago, that you and I would be standing here?”
“Not me, but if I weren’t here, I’d either be at the office, home by myself, or enduring some insufferable club with Justin.” I reached out, took her hand, and kissed her palm. “That’s an elaborate way of saying, bad circumstances aside, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
She threw her arms around my neck and buried her face in my collar. “Me neither.”
“So let me take you home and wake up with you tomorrow.” I rubbed her back, unfazed by her sobs. If I’d had an exhausting day, I couldn’t imagine how hers must’ve been. “After such a short time, your apartment feels more like a home to me than my own,” I whispered to her. “What does that say?”
She pulled back, keeping her palms on my chest as if she might pull me in for a kiss at any moment. “Sebastian—”
“Don’t fight me anymore. Don’t tell me all the reasons you think we can’t make this work.”
She shook her head. “I’m out of reasons. I want you. You, me, Bruno and Opal—I want that so much. I see it. But not in my apartment.”
“Where then?” I asked, thumbing away a tear as it slid over her cheek. I wasn’t fool enough to deny her anything.
“My boss called me earlier tonight about a promotion.” She sniffled, her eyes sparkling with tears. “I’d be really good at it, Sebastian. We’re opening a new branch, and I’d get to run it. Choose clients, build a team, call the shots. It encompasses all the things I love about my job now, but it’s a step up and it’s more.”
After the angry, not to mention false, things I’d said that morning, there was only one response to that. “Sounds like a no-brainer. If it excites you, accept the promotion. You’ll kill it.”
Her eyes drifted to the knot of my tie. “It’s not in New York.”
Fuck. She was leaving?
Not just the job, but the state?
I sucked in a breath. I’d readied myself to support her no matter what. I’d steeled myself to combat any excuse she might give me for us not to work.
Except this one.
I should’ve been grateful she wasn’t fighting us anymore but leaving New York was a whole other issue. “All right,” I said cautiously, and prefaced my next question with, “I’m just asking this so I understand, not to challenge you . . .”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“The options are either stay in your current job or accept the promotion and leave?”
Her throat constricted as she swallowed. “Correct.”
I could go with her. The thought came unbidden and wasn’t as scary as it should’ve been. Maybe not right away, but eventually, I could leave. What was stopping me? A job that hadn’t challenged me in over a year? A boss that no longer wanted me there? A city I wasn’t sure I identified with any longer?
I failed to suppress a smile, surprisingly intrigued by the idea. “I’m not opposed to doing long-distance for a while. Where is it?”
She wasn’t smiling. “Boston.”
I stared at her as the blood drained from my face. Boston was all at once mine, and nothing to me at all. I didn’t want it anymore, but I could never extract it from myself.
“Boston?” I repeated. “But I . . . I can’t go there.”
She bit her bottom lip and didn’t respond, because there was only one way to answer. She already knew that. She knew I was done with Boston.
Tears glossed her eyes. I’d been wrong about her pulling me closer. Her palms on my chest stayed me, putting distance between us. “Sebastian, I—”
I took her wrists and pulled her hands off. “So that’s why you want this job,” I said. “Because you know I won’t follow you there.”
“Of course not,” she said, shaking her head vigorously. “I had absolutely no say in the location.”
“Maybe it’s subconscious, but this is just another form of pushing me away. Of letting your fear win.” Neal must’ve really done a number on her. I’d been willing to pick up the pieces to ensure she never felt as small with me as she had with him, but how could I when she clearly didn’t want to even let me try? I took a step back. “I was willing to make this work no matter what, but I guess I should’ve suspected you’d find a way out.”
“I thought I made myself clear this morning,” she said firmly. “This isn’t about you, Sebastian.”
“Bullshit it’s not.” Anger flared in me. She knew. She knew I wasn’t ready, and might not ever be, to face my past in Boston. I was barely able to look at it on the Internet. “You’re running, and I can’t ask you to stay without sounding like a jerk. It’s easier to leave and blame it on an opportunity than put yourself out there again.”
“That’s not true.” She crossed her arms and then her ankles, warding off the cold.
I would’ve taken her inside to have this out, but I could barely stand to stay a moment longer. “I’ve never even heard you mention leaving. And I thought you were happy in the position you’re in now.”
“I thought so too,” she said. “But a lot has changed in the last couple months. In the last week, even. I want to be with you, Sebastian, but I need to try this. If I don’t, I’ll resent myself. And you.”
“I’m not trying to keep you here. You want to move somewhere else? We’ll figure it out. But not the one fucking place I can’t even bring myself to visit.”
“You haven’t even tried,” she pleaded.
“Don’t.” I showed her my palms, and my hands shook with anger. “Don’t pretend to know what the last year has been like for me.”
“I’m not doing this to hurt you,” she said. “This is what I need.”
“I hear you loud and clear.” I sniffed, backing away. “This isn’t enough. Not New York, not your job, and not me. So go.”
“You’re the one who’s scared, not me,” she shot back. “You can’t even bring yourself to question why you won’t sell your mom’s house. Why you won’t even step foot in a city you love so much that you light up when you talk about it, even when it’s painful.”
I couldn’t deny that. I hated that my hometown would always be part of me no matter how much I wanted to forget. I couldn’t escape my love for it, my loyalty to it, and still, it continued to hurt me. “I’m not willing to sell because it was my mom’s home. Period. It’s all I’ve got left of her.”
She shook her head. “It’s more than that, Sebastian. It’s deeper. I know it’s scary, but you can’t heal until you face it.”
I didn’t want to hear it. Any of it. What did she know about death? About losing not just a parent but a lifeline? A childhood? Healing wasn’t as simple as putting my grief on the market and walking away. I wouldn’t stand here and entertain the thought of forgetting my mother while Georgina made excuses to keep me out of her life. If she wanted that so desperately, I’d give it to her before I abandoned Mom’s memory.
I handed her Bruno’s leash, but she just stared at it. “Take it,” I said.
“But—”
“Boston was too far. Whether you think it’s about me or not, it is on some level. You do what you have to do, but I’m done.”