“Go on. I’m dying here,” she admitted with a grin, and it made me smile back like a lovesick fool.
“Dad asked me what was going on. For once, he actually looked and sounded concerned for my well-being.”
“Shocking.”
“I know, right? Anyway, I told him that I couldn’t do it, and then I apologized, Jess. Can you believe that? I fucking apologized to the man. But I told him I wouldn’t do it, that this was asking too much of me. Told him it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. And then I quit. And I told him if he ever threatened you or your future again, that I’d kill him.”
Her eyes grew wide again and she whispered, “You said that? To your father?”
“It was like once I started talking and stood my ground, I couldn’t stop. I told him I had to go. That I didn’t care what he did to me, but I was leaving. And you know what he said, Jess?” Her head tilted as she waited for me to continue. “He told me to go. He told me to get out of there before anyone saw me. That he would handle things.”
Her hand flew to her mouth, covering what I was certain was another gasp of surprise. “I can’t believe this.”
“He also apologized to me as I was walking out the door. He told me he was sorry. That almost stopped me in my tracks so I could turn around and acknowledge what he was giving me. But it wasn’t enough. Not when I compared it to you.” I touched her cheek for only a moment. “I couldn’t get here fast enough, Jess. I got into my truck and drove straight here. It pissed me off every time I had stop for gas, which was only once, but it was one time too many.”
Her expression softened, her eyes brightening with the tears that were forming. “I can’t believe you quit. I’m so proud of you.” She beamed. “So you’ll work at the bar then?”
“I haven’t talked to Frank and Ryan about it yet, but that’s the plan.”
“What does this mean? For us?” Her expression fell slightly, and I hated the doubt I was responsible for putting into her heart.
“I thought that was pretty self-explanatory. I want you, I’ll always want you, I never stopped wanting you. You’re my future. I just hope I’m still yours.”
“I still have another year left up here,” she said, her tone a little colder than it had been a moment ago.
I nodded. “I know exactly how much time you have left. I don’t care, and I never did. I shouldn’t have broken up with you, Jess. I was just so worried that you’d put me first, and I didn’t want you to end up hating me, or resent me somewhere down the line because of it.”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me that? You let me think you didn’t want me. You let me believe you didn’t care about us at all. My God, Nick, you let me think you couldn’t stay faithful.”
My insides twisted. I hated how much I’d continually hurt the one person that I loved. I had a lot of making up to do if she’d let me, and I sat there praying that she would.
“I know.” I grimaced. “I know what I did. I know every single lie that I told you and made you believe. I shouldn’t have done it. I should have just been honest with you, but I knew you wouldn’t see reason.”
Shit. That wasn’t the right thing to say, and I realized it immediately.
Jess glared at me. “See reason? You didn’t even let me try. You just decided for both of us.”
I threw my hands up in surrender. “Wrong word choice, sorry. I knew that you wouldn’t let me end things, even if my reasons made sense. Even if it was the last thing I wanted to do, I knew you would tell me no.”
She glared at me for a moment too long, making my heart plummet at the thought that there would be no getting her back. I’d waited too long, pushed her too far.
“You should have been honest.”
“I know. I’ve regretted it every moment of every day since. Please believe that, even if you believe nothing else,” I begged her, not knowing where her head or heart were at.
“What’s your game plan?”
“My what?”
“You had six hours in the car by yourself, Nick. What’d you come up with?”
“Jess.” I shifted around so that I was facing her head-on. “I know I’ve done a lot of things that hurt you. I know I’ve waited too long to try to win you back. I’ve pushed you over the edge time and time again, let you down and disappointed you in more ways than I want to count right now.”
My voice tightened with emotion, and I struggled to control it. “But if you’ll forgive me, or at least tell me that you’ll try, then my game plan includes never doing anything to hurt you ever again. I’ll never let you down. I’ll never disappoint you. I’ll include you in every decision I make, and I won’t keep things from you, no matter what. We’ll be a team, you and me, us against the world, and God help anyone who tries to break us apart or stand in our way.”
“Yeah?” she said, her tone so flat, I couldn’t read her at all.
“Yeah.”
“You really hurt me.”
“I know.”
“You made me think I couldn’t trust you. You made me feel lower than I’d ever felt in my life,” she said.
Her words only twisted the knife in my heart even more. I didn’t blame her, though. I’d never blame her for how she felt when it came to me, to us. I had done this.