Jack.
Four letters strung together to form a name. Simple. Common. Ordinary.
Four letters that had held no meaning, but that now felt like I had fallen ten stories and hit the ground—splat—every time I came across it. How many Jacks had come and gone before him? None had warned of the Jack that was to come, the one whose name would leave me breathless in the middle of the day.
It was July in the Cotswolds, ten months since our rainy goodbye at the airport. Peach colored roses bloomed outside my window. Bees and butterflies darted from flower to flower. It was the end of another school year, my last day at work before the summer holidays. I finalized the exam marks and glanced around my classroom.
“You’re still here?” Jeremy Evans popped his head into the room. He was a temp, filling in for the music teacher’s maternity leave.
“Just leaving,” I replied.
“Me too. You want to grab a drink? I’m heading to the pub for a pint.”
“Thanks, but I’m going to pass.” I powered down my laptop and smiled at him. He was cute, with soft brown eyes and dark hair that curled on his forehead.
“Ouch.” He clutched his chest. “Shot down again. You’ll have to cave one day, even if it’s just to shut me up.”
“Have a good summer, Jeremy.”
“Ah. I see what you did there. You just blocked me out of your entire summer. You might as well just shut the door in my face.” And with that, he proceeded to drag himself out by the tie and slam the door behind him.
I was still smiling when I unchained my bicycle and headed home. How can you dislike anyone who makes you laugh? I cut through the cobblestone alleys that meandered around honey-hued cottages and little box hedges. Bourton-on-the-Water was a hot spot for tourists in the summer, and the main routes were teeming with visitors. It was a small price to pay for the way I felt every time I came home—the wooden gate, the slate blue door, swathes of yellow flowers spilling out of the window boxes, lavender growing wild against the golden stone.
I secured my bike and collected the mail—bills, a postcard from my parents, flyers . . . a letter from Tanzania. I unlocked the door and dropped the rest of my things on the couch.
I want a clean break, I’d said. And Jack had given me that. I hadn’t heard from him since I’d left—no calls, no texts, no emails. Sometimes, when I thought of him on the porch, sitting on the swing and looking up at the stars, bombs exploded in my chest.
Is it you? I asked the letter sized envelope, my heart pounding as I tore it open.
It wasn’t. But I laughed when I saw the photo that Bahati had sent. He was on a billboard, looking very debonair in a business suit, modeling a fancy watch. On the back, he’d written: It’s not the big screen I thought it would be, but it’s pretty big :)
A surge of aching pride filled me. Underneath all the fancy stuff, Bahati was a warrior, every bit as fierce as his brothers and sisters in the boma. He had held fast to that tradition of pride and self-sufficiency. Not only had he come through when the children and I had needed him, he had also managed to carve out his own path while earning his father’s respect, and more importantly, his own.
I climbed the stairs to my study with his photo in my hand. There, on a corkboard, I pinned it next to the Christmas card I’d received from Josephine Montati. She had stayed in touch, filling me in with updates on the children. I admired her for her tenacity, her dedication, and her passion. She was the kind of person who changed lives. And lives changed worlds.
My eyes fell on the photo she’d sent of Jack, Bahati, and me with the kids. I looked distracted. Jack was grinning.
What’s the matter? Your English garden can’t handle the tropical heat?
Yes. That was the moment pinned on my board.
How did you do that? I traced the lines of his face. How did you tug and stretch and grow my heart, and make it sound like sweet, sweet music?
I unpinned the photo and sank into my chair.
Life is good, Jack. Life is grand. I’m exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to do. I love my job. My students amaze me. They inspire me. They challenge me. It’s not always easy, but it’s rewarding. I eat croissants in bed, and feed ducks I’m not supposed to feed. I buy overpriced candles and exotic teas. Last week, I went out for a plain white shirt and came home with silky camisoles. I sleep in. I take bubble baths. I think of you every time it rains. In a good way. Not with my withered crabapple face. I’m whole and centered and strong. I’m whole because you loved me for me, not for what I could be to you. And maybe that’s why it hurts. Because your love was so good and pure. And it sucks. It sucks because my book boyfriends don’t cut it anymore.
You’ve ruined me, Jack. But it’s okay. I’m good, I’m well, I’m freaking magical. But you want to know something pathetic? I’ve subscribed to all kinds of flight alerts. Every time the price drops on airfares to Tanzania, I get a notification. And every time, I stare at the screen, a click away from getting on a plane so I can see your face again. Because I miss you. Because, so what if you didn’t invite me? So what if the memory of me is starting to fade?
That’s usually the point I tell myself you’re a shithead, Jack. How could you let me go? How could you just go along with this no-contact bullshit and not fall apart like I do? So many times a day. Yup. You’re a shithead, Jack. I hate that I miss you. Summer is here, and it’s warm and beautiful, and I miss you. I miss you so much.