"Brandon told someone who told someone . . . you know how it goes." No, that didn't sound like Brandon. More likely she used some more devious method to find out. What Taylor wanted, Taylor got. Conniving bitch.
I sighed. "You need to call Kelly and tell her to turn around."
"Excuse me?"
"Call Kell—"
"I'm going to make myself a drink," she said. "You want something?"
"No. And there's no alcohol here."
"Not to worry," she sing-songed, her voice fading as she moved toward the kitchen. "I brought my own."
Jesus, what a clueless idiot she was. And so was I. I'd slurped down her pills without a second's thought. And now the past day and a half was all for nothing. Nothing.
I gripped my hair, self-hatred assaulting me. I sat up slightly and turned my head toward the window.
Lily was standing just a couple feet from the deck staring upward.
I bolted to my feet, clutching my scalp and yelling an obscenity as the blood rushed straight to my brain, causing the throbbing in my head to sharpen. I picked up my towel, covered myself, and ran to the door, calling Lily's name as I threw it open. She'd turned and started to head back toward the woods, but when she heard me calling her name, she halted, but then picked up her pace again, now running.
The look on her face . . . pure devastation.
Oh God. Oh God. She'd seen Taylor sitting on my lap fondling me, seen my hands on her hips, but not pushing her away. "Lily," I called again, clutching the towel around my waist. I wanted to shout out a stream of expletives. "Lily, please," I begged.
When she reached the shadows at the edge of the woods, she finally slowed and turned toward me. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. I was just worried about you. I just . . . wanted to make sure you got home okay. That you saw . . ." She bit her lip. "I just wanted to check on you. It was . . ." She shook her head as if she didn't know how to continue. I wanted to grab her and haul her body into mine. I wanted to tell her how to me she was an oasis in the middle of the desert I'd been crawling through for the last day and a half.
"What are you doing out there?" Taylor yelled from the deck.
"Jesus Christ! Go inside, Taylor. Now," I yelled over my shoulder. Taylor crossed her arms and even from the distance, I could see she was glaring daggers at me.
"God, Brandon said you were acting nuts!" Taylor shouted and stomped inside. "But you're really just a fucking dick!"
When I turned back to Lily, she had moved more deeply into the woods. "Wait," I called, running after her, holding the towel around myself, my body only barely strong enough to run at all. Lily started moving more swiftly.
"Lily, Lily, please, just listen to me," I called after her. "Wait, please, Lily. I want . . . I want . . ." She whirled around, her cheeks flushed, her eyes wells of hurt.
"What?" she demanded. "What do you want, Holden? What do you want with me? It certainly doesn't look like you're lonely."
I shook my head. "Please, what you saw back there is not what you think it was. Taylor is not my girlfriend. Or at least . . . I didn't consider her my girlfriend. She . . . the point is, I haven't thought about or seen her in months. Please, it's not what you think," I repeated.
She shrugged, letting out a small brittle laugh. "I don't think anything. I have no idea what to think. God, what do you want with me? What do you want?" She turned without waiting for an answer and for a moment I stood frozen. What did I say?
A wave of insecurity washed over me. What did I want? To get better. For you. So I can kiss you, so I can plant my nose in the soft, fragrant spot between your shoulder and your neck and feel like I'm worthy enough to be there, to date you, romance you . . . however that might work. To know about your life. To tell you about mine. What? What did I want? "To spend time with you," I finally managed. "Just . . . to be with you, Lily. God. I want to be with you."
She stopped and turned toward me slowly. Shrugging, she said, "It just won't ever work. We just don't make any sense together."
I shook my head and leaned against a tree. God, I was still so weak and sick. "You're the only thing that's made sense to me in a very long time. If you only knew." Sweat had broken out on my forehead, and I swiped at it, gripping the tree so I stayed upright. Lily looked at me warily.
"You should get back, Holden. You're not even dressed." I wanted to resist. I wanted to fight for her, but I couldn't and I hated myself.
"Please," I whispered, "please . . ."
Lily walked back to where I stood and brought her hand up to my forehead. "You're so warm," she said. "You should go back inside."
Behind me, Taylor was shouting on the deck again about what a dick I was. I ignored her and Lily did, too, pretending she wasn't there at all. "I want to come with you," I sighed. Her hand slipped down to my cheek. Behind me, Taylor's voice rose and the door slammed again, causing me to curse her name under my breath.
"Didn't I tell you that you should learn to recognize a snake? Or you're likely to step right on one."
I sighed again. "I know," I said wearily. And they're everywhere. My life is so full of them I'm scared to make a move.
My eyes slipped closed, and I pressed my back against the rough bark of the tree. When I started to slip down the trunk, I caught myself, jerking back to reality.