This couldn’t happen.
It couldn’t be me.
But when I walked into his flat and saw him in the kitchen putting together our dinner…when he looked over at me and his eyes lit up…when he stopped what he was doing and came over to kiss me…I knew I was drowning.
A sweat broke out on my back, and the room spun. My stomach churned and my head throbbed, my mouth was dry and my legs were weak.
This is why they call it lovesick.
I couldn’t even breathe.
After he kissed me hello, he started talking about something, and his voice seemed to come at me from the end of a long tunnel. I heard sounds but not words. My body felt heavy, as if the force of gravity had just increased exponentially, and I braced a hand on the counter because I was afraid I wasn’t strong enough to hold myself up.
I was in love with him.
I was in love with him.
How had I let this happen?
I had to fix this.
Now.
Good thing I had an emergency exit strategy all planned out. I always had.
I couldn’t even taste the food. I could barely get it on my fork. I think I made conversation, but in the back of my mind I kept seeing Margot on the floor, hearing her pitiful sobs. I had to protect myself from that…I had to stick to what I knew was right for me, and that meant doing what I always said I’d do if I fell for someone.
It meant stepping back from Quinn.
But you’ll miss him! screamed a voice in my head. You’ll miss the sex, you’ll miss his jokes, you’ll miss his voice, his face, his kindness. You’ll miss his teasing and cooking and maybe even the cuddling. You’ll miss the way he makes you feel.
No, I won’t, I argued back. I might miss all those other things, but right now all I feel is terror. I’m sorry that I have to sacrifice all those other things to feel safe again, but I do.
So when he mentioned that he’d booked movers for Tuesday, I saw the opening and took it.
“Oh, good,” I said, shocking even myself with how calm I sounded. Yes. Stay cool. Make a joke. “About time you got out of here.”
He grinned. “I knew you’d be glad to get rid of me.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that.” I picked up my wine glass and hoped he didn’t notice the way it trembled. “This has been really fun.”
A quizzical look passed over his face. “Yeah. It has.” A beat went by. “Isn’t it still?”
I took a huge gulp of wine. “I guess so. I mean, with you moving out, it’ll be harder to see each other.”
“Uh huh…” His mind was working overtime, I could see it.
I dropped my eyes to my plate and pushed some pasta around. “And I’ve got a lot of big projects coming up at work.”
“Really.” He set his fork on the plate with a clink.
“Mmhm.” Oh God, oh God, don’t look up. I took a shaky breath. “So it’s probably a good time to take a breather from all this anyway.”
“All this what?”
I shrugged, feeling like I was stepping out onto the frozen lake, unsure how thin the ice was. One wrong step and I’d go under. “All this…time together. I won’t have it anymore. And since you’re moving out, it seems like the right decision.”
“You’re not making sense, Jaime.” There was an edge to his tone. “What decision?”
Don’t back down. This is the right thing. “To take a step back. Cool off. We were getting too serious anyway. And I’m not…good at that. I don’t want it. So I think we should, you know, go back to what we said this was going to be. Friends that hang out every once in a while for fun.”
Whew.
There. Got it out.
He said nothing, and I was dying to know what his expression was. Angry? Hurt? Shocked? What felt like a lifetime passed in uncomfortable silence. Finally, I couldn’t resist looking up.
He was sitting back in the chair, arms crossed. And his face said I know exactly what you’re fucking doing.
My first reaction was to bristle a little, even though he hadn’t said a word. Did he think I was bluffing? That I’d back down? Well, I wouldn’t! This wasn’t a fucking game of chicken, this was real and it was my heart and my life and I couldn’t give it away in the blind hope that things would work out. It was too scary, too unpredictable, too unbelievable. I didn’t want to be dependent on anyone for anything! I was fine on my own! How dare he come into my life and turn it upside down this way! And why was he sitting there all silent and smoldering!? Didn’t he fucking care that I was trying to break things off? He should care, because I was serious!
“Say something!” I finally blurted.
I swear to God, that fucker almost smiled.
“OK, Jaime. If that’s what you want.”
My jaw dropped. “Is that what you want?”
“No.”
“Well…that’s what I want.” Fuck. Fuck! It’s what I wanted, wasn't it? Why was his reaction throwing me off? Dammit, this was just like him!
“So you said.” He stood up and carried his half-full plate into the kitchen. A few seconds later, I heard the faucet running and the sounds of dishes being rinsed and placed in the dishwasher.
I sat there at the table, feeling small and stubborn and angry and sad. Of all the reactions I’d thought he’d have, complaisance wasn’t one of them. Was this some kind of trick? Reverse psychology? Did he think I’d change my mind and beg to take back my words? Well, I wouldn’t. Pouting, I crossed my arms over my chest.