Home > Heart & Soul (Lost & Found #5)(6)

Heart & Soul (Lost & Found #5)(6)
Author: Nicole Williams

“Are you pregnant?” My voice didn’t sound like my own. It sounded like a stranger’s.

She lifted another test stick into the air. Two pink lines on that one too. “Either I’m pregnant, or this company has got some serious quality control issues.”

This time it didn’t just feel as if the air had been robbed from my lungs—it felt as if they’d collapsed in on themselves.

“What’s the good news?” I asked, curling my fingers into her side. It was like she was already slipping away, and I would hold on for as long and as hard as I could.

I couldn’t be sure, because it flashed across her face so quickly, but it looked as if pain flooded her eyes and lined her face. “The good news is that I’m pregnant, Jesse Walker. With our child. With your future son or daughter. Our baby is growing inside me right this very moment . . . which reminds me, I need to eat lunch.” She smiled, waiting for me to join her. When my face stayed a mask of shock and what I guessed was dismay, her smile disappeared. “You’re not taking the good news like I thought you would.”

So much coming at me. Hit after hit after hit. As soon as I’d managed to regain my balance, the next assault came at me, reeling me back over. I was so turned upside down, I didn’t know if I was flat on my feet or on my back.

“This isn’t good news, Rowen. Why are you expecting me to take this like it’s good news?” Every few words, I had to take a breath, but it didn’t seem to help. My lungs felt collapsed and shriveled and useless.

She blinked. “How is our baby not good news? How can you imply that me being pregnant with our baby is anything but good news?”

When she blinked again, a tear slipped out of the corner of her eye. I’d grown so accustomed to Rowen’s seeming inability to cry, I’d almost convinced myself that I’d imagined it until another tear slipped out of the corner of the same eye. She was crying, or she’d shed two tears, because of me. Because of what I’d said and how I was reacting to the news. It was enough to break through my shell of shock.

Scrubbing at my face, I exhaled. “You’re asking me to celebrate something that might very well kill you. How can you expect me to look at this as good news?”

Her face broke for a moment, then the resolve I was used to seeing carved in her expression took hold. Opening the door all of the way, she grabbed my hand and lowered it to her stomach. She slid it under her shirt and splayed my fingers against her skin, pressing it so firmly against her that I could feel her heartbeat thrumming against my palm from her belly button.

“This isn’t about me right now, Jesse. This is about the living thing inside of me the two of us created.”

My hand warmed from her skin. My heart started to slow to match her steady, rhythmic beat.

“I know neither one of us would have chosen to have a baby right now, with everything going on with me and my troublemaker of a heart, but we don’t always get to choose the hand we’re dealt. All we can control is how we play that hand—from a place of fear or a place of hope.” Her fingers curled through mine, holding on to me as if she also felt the slipping away sensation and was doing everything to hang on. “I don’t know why I’m the one siding with hope and you seem to be siding with the other when our whole lives we’ve done the opposite, but I could really use you on my side with this. I could really, really use your support.” She moved closer, fitting her body into mine before wrapping an arm around me. Our hands stayed tied together and pressed against her stomach. “I’m scared too, you know? This is all coming at me as fast as it’s coming at you. I’m not refusing to admit this is dangerous and less than ideal and going to be a terrifying journey, but I’m choosing to let the good overshadow the bad. I won’t let what might happen rob me of everything wonderful that can and will happen as a result of this.”

I found myself shaking my head when I knew I should have been nodding. She was saying everything that made sense and everything I’d say to her if things were different, but I couldn’t. Not with her life on the line. “You could die. Having this baby could kill you.”

She looked at me with big searching eyes. “I won’t let the fear of dying take away the absolute wonder and joy of this tiny little life. I won’t let death take away the excitement of life.” Her hand around me pulled me closer. “Can you do that with me? Will you do this with me?”

In one part of my head, I knew we were talking about Rowen and I having a baby. I knew that for most married, loving couples, this was the kind of news that inspired jumping around rooms and screaming before dialing phone numbers and screaming in family members’ ears. I knew that if Rowen was healthy and didn’t have a heart condition that could potentially kill her and I’d just found out about her being pregnant, I would have been so overwhelmed with amazement and joy that I would have been spinning Rowen around instead of clinging to her as though I was afraid someone was tugging her away from me. But I couldn’t get past the crippling horror and panic of this change bringing my wife face to face with the very real threat of losing her life. I couldn’t see past the great black tower of fear and dread to catch a glimpse of the light and peace on the other side.

All I could think about was Rowen . . . and the possibility of her one day not existing. The possibility of being unable to pull her into my arms whenever I wanted or wake up in the dead of night and let her rhythmic breathing lull me back to sleep. She was woven into every part of my life, down to the last thread, and I couldn’t picture my life without her in it.

   
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