Rowen had to help Josie up, but she wouldn’t let go of my hand. Even though one part of me wanted Josie to let go, another part hoped she never would.
“It’s okay, Joze. Go get some food.” I swallowed, not sure how I was supposed to look at her as though I could be her husband and provide for her when I couldn’t even take a piss without assistance. “And some rest too. You know where to find me. I’m not exactly going anywhere.”
Jesse moved up beside Rowen, took her hand, and led her out of the room. Him reaching for her and leading her out of a room was natural, effortless. It was something I’d taken for granted with Joze and something I’d never do again if the percentages didn’t lie. Rowen threw me one last look of warning before she disappeared into the hall. I pretended not to see it, but I didn’t need her looks or threats to know that Rowen Sterling-Walker wouldn’t hesitate to kick my ass if I hurt Joze as I was capable of. Unlike her husband, Rowen wouldn’t let any disability, like my inability to move, stop her or even temper her punches.
When I chanced looking at Josie, I saw a conflicted look on her face. I knew she wanted to stay. I knew she’d crawl in bed beside me and wouldn’t leave if I asked her to stay. She wasn’t the type to bail when life got hard or, specifically, her boyfriend’s body stopped working. But I wouldn’t wish that kind of life on my worst enemy. How could I let the person I loved most in the world live the life of a caregiver whose days and nights were burdened with responsibility and duty?
I might not have known with absolute certainty that I’d never walk again, but I didn’t need X-rays or a doctor to confirm my prognosis. I might have let myself believe that my life didn’t have to end as it had started, but I should have known better. Fate sometimes gave a person a temporary furlough, but it never gave them a pass. I’d been foolish to believe differently.
“Go on, Joze. Really. I’ll be good. Go take care of yourself, okay?” I nodded at the door, where I could just make out Jesse and Rowen waiting for her. Even they knew what I did—she couldn’t stay with me. “We’ll talk more later. I promise.”
She studied my face for a moment, a smile working into place on hers. Lifting my hand, she kissed it. I didn’t feel a damn thing. Not the feel of her lips or the heat from them or the softness of them. In addition to the rest of my body, my heart broke right then too.
“I love you, Black,” she whispered before resting my hand back at my side. She tucked the blanket around my arm, gave me one last smile, and then backed up toward the door. “I’ll be back in the morning, and we’ll figure this all out together, okay? It’ll be fine. I know it. We’ll be fine.” She waited for me to nod, but I couldn’t. A minute later, she left with her head bowed and the smile gone from her face.
“I love you too, Joze,” I whispered to the dark room long after she’d left.
I WATCHED THE sun rise through my window, not having slept a minute through the night. I’d been tired enough that I could have passed out with no problem, but I knew I had better ways to use my time alone. Josie might have been willing to leave last night to grab a bite to eat and a night of sleep, but I knew her too well—she’d be back first thing this morning, and she wouldn’t leave my side until I had to beg her while Rowen tugged her away.
Josie was persistent, and she didn’t waver. I admired those qualities in her, but I’d have to figure out a way around those qualities. The whole reason I’d spent the night as an insomniac was so I could come up with a plan to let her go. In the event I never recovered, I would not allow her to waste the rest of her life waiting on me and wiping my ass. She’d argue around every point I could bring up as to why she shouldn’t have a lifetime of taking care of me, but I had to get her to see that I didn’t want that kind of life for her. I wanted the best for her.
I knew enough to accept that if this was how I was stuck until the day I died, staying at my side would be the opposite of the best for her. I could try pushing her away, but something told me if I tried that, she’d only hold on tighter. I could play the hopeless and helpless card, which wasn’t a stretch from reality, and hope it sent her running. Maybe I could give denial a try to attempt to frustrate her until she couldn’t wait to be rid of me. I’d spent the night sorting through dozens of different things I could try, but nothing I came up with was likely to scare her away. Josie wasn’t the type of person who abandoned ship when life got hard. She was the one who battened down the hatches and held on for dear life until the storm had passed.
A part of me didn’t want to let her go. The self-serving part. I wanted to spend every day with Josie, just as I’d been planning, but with the way I was now, I couldn’t keep her in my life without shifting her into more of a mother role.
I’d had one mother, and that was more than enough. I wouldn’t sentence Josie to that kind of future.
Of course, I knew mapping out my future as a paralyzed man might have been a bit premature, but I also knew the way I felt and the impact I’d taken. Karma had finally found me and was paying me back for twenty years of being a piece of shit to most everyone and everything. As far as people who deserved to walk again following this kind of an injury, I was at the tail end of that line.
I wasn’t going to walk again. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me that.
But when an older man wearing blue scrubs slipped into my room a few minutes after the sun had risen, I guessed one was going to try. I thought I’d had a rough job, riding pissed off animals that were trying to kill the person hanging on to their backs, but this guy had to look a person in the face and tell them life as they knew it, and the one they had planned however many years down the road, was over. Cancer doctors had to tell patients they only had months to live, and ER docs had to tell families their loved ones hadn’t made it, but this doctor had to look patients in the eye and tell them that they were going to live but the lives they’d lead would make them wish they’d died.