Damn. I almost would have preferred a novel’s worth of rantings and ravings. What was up with me? I’d avoided that question most of my life. I knew the answers to that question, but I preferred to repress them because, really, the answers didn’t heal anything. They couldn’t erase the past. So what was the point of searching for the answers in the first place?
And why the hell was I still thinking about it?
I shoved the note inside of the nightstand drawer.
As I was deciding if I should just throw the blankets back over my head and forget about the world, or get up and get to it, a soft knock sounded on my door.
“Come in,” I said a bit too loudly. I applied pressure at my temples and squeezed my eyes closed. “Come in,” I whispered.
The door opened noiselessly—small mercies—and Lily slipped in carrying a tray. She smiled and headed my way.
“Hey, Lily,” I whispered.
She set the tray down on the nightstand and whispered a quick Hi back.
“What’s this?” I inspected the tray and sniffed the air.
“Breakfast,” Lily replied so quietly I barely heard her.
I could see that. It wasn’t what I usually went for, but that morning, it looked just right: a pile of thick-cut bacon, scrambled eggs coated in melted cheese, and a thick piece of bread with two large pats of butter melting on it. My usual breakfast consisted of oatmeal and fruit . . . Heart disease, you know? But I couldn’t get a piece of bacon in my mouth quickly enough.
“Thank you, Lily,” I said in between bites. I already felt the grease doing its work in my stomach. “You don’t have any idea how much better I feel already.” I didn’t feel the need to get into the nitty-gritty of excessive alcohol use and its morning after effects with a sixteen-year-old who, I would bet a million bucks, had never drank a single drop of it.
“Jesse said it would help,” she whispered just a hair louder so I didn’t have to strain to hear her.
I stopped chewing. “Jesse told you to make this for me?”
Lily shook her head. “No, he made it. He just asked me to carry it up.”
I dropped the remaining bit of bacon back on the plate. He’d come looking for me, carried me home in his arms—in his arms for two miles—tucked me into bed, left some water and ibuprofen on my nightstand, and had made me a greasy breakfast to ease my hangover suffering. I’d been so sure people like Jesse Walker didn’t exist in real life. I’d been so, so sure.
I’d been wrong.
If I’d been wrong about that, what else had I been wrong about? Add that question to the mountain of others I wasn’t ready to answer.
“Why didn’t he bring it up himself?” I focused on the plate of food, a random act of kindness, and my vision started getting blurry.
“He and some of the guys are heading out for a week to keep a close watch on the cattle now that they’ve been moved higher up and farther away. They’re always a bit finicky when they get to a new pasture, so some of the guys set up camp for the first week or so.”
“Oh.” I shifted on the bed. Note to self: don’t wear tight jeans to bed. “When’s he leaving?” I wasn’t sure if he was ready to see me yet, or if I was ready to see him, but if he would be gone for a week, something needed to be said.
“He’s already gone,” Lily replied, lifting a shoulder. “He wasn’t really himself this morning. He was . . . grumpy almost. He couldn’t seem to get out of here soon enough.”
I didn’t need twenty guesses to know why Jesse couldn’t get away soon enough. So he was upset, but not so much that it had stopped him from making me breakfast. I’d hurt him, but not so much he hadn’t stopped himself from leaving water and pills on my nightstand. So much about the situation wasn’t making sense.
The longer I thought about it, the more my head hurt, so I shelved the whole working-it-all-out thing and grabbed the buttered toast. “What time is it?” My phone was over on the charger, which meant Jesse had done that, too.
“Time for you to go back to bed and get some rest,” Lily replied, sounding so much like Rose I checked the door to make sure she hadn’t joined us. “Mom’s orders.”
Rose . . . I hadn’t come home last night. I’d turned my phone off so no one could get ahold of me. Why wasn’t she in there shouting at me I was grounded for the rest of the summer?
“Is everyone . . .” I swallowed and looked down into my lap. “Disappointed with me?” I didn’t know why I bothered asking rhetorical questions, but I couldn’t seem to kick the habit.
“Why would anyone be disappointed with you?” she asked, giving me an odd look. “Jesse told us you’d fallen asleep out in one of the fields and couldn’t seem to shake that headache you told mom you had yesterday. It’s a good thing he found you before it got too late. You wouldn’t believe how many field mice are out there.” Lily shuddered like one was scurrying down her back. “And don’t get me started about the garter and bull snakes slithering around out there eating those mice.” When she shuddered again, it was more of a violent shake.
A tongue gliding up my neck flashed to my mind. It was my turn to shake. “I think I might have run into one of those snakes.” I popped the last bite of toast into my mouth. The grease and fat was doing its job, and the water and medicine was starting to work its way into my veins. I felt tired. Exhausted, really.