And just like that, I knew what to do.
* * *
Thankfully, the next day was Sunday and I didn’t have to work. I skipped the gym and bought the materials I’d need, then I brought them all over to Aaron and Josie’s. After I explained what I was doing, Aaron was more than happy to back his truck out of the garage to give me the work space required, and Josie said she wouldn’t mind the noise out there for a day. She even brought me a little heater so I wouldn’t be too cold, and a thermos full of hot coffee.
“You’re the best,” I told her, taking a sip and setting the thermos on the bench. “Thank you.”
“You sure you don’t want help?” my brother asked. “It would get done faster.”
“Nah.” I picked up his sander. “I want to do this myself. But is there any way you could work for me tomorrow? I know Monday is usually your day off, but I’d like to get this up while she’s at school.”
“No problem.” He clapped me on the back. “You’re doing the right thing.”
As soon as he was gone, I slipped on a dust mask and got to work.
Thirty-Nine
Claire
* * *
After work on Monday, I stopped in at one of the gift shops that had offered to sell my work and dropped off a few pieces—three altered books and two small paintings of birds. It felt a little like leaving my children unattended, but I managed to get out the door without tears, at least. On the way home, I called Jaime.
“I did it,” I said. “I now officially have art for sale.”
“Yay!” she crowed. “I’m so proud of you. Any sales on the Etsy site yet?”
“No, but it’s only been a few days. I’m going to put a few more photos up.”
“Good idea. How are you feeling?”
“Pretty good.” I turned onto my street. “At least about the art. And the sooner I—oh my God.”
“What?”
I slowed my car as I approached my house, whispering as if I might be overheard. “He’s here.”
“Who? Theo?”
“Yes. His car is parked on the street. He’s in the driver’s seat. Oh, God, he saw me. He’s getting out!” I pulled into the garage, my heart hammering. “Quick! What do I do?”
“I don’t know!”
“What if he’s sorry?” In my rearview mirror, I saw him walking up the driveway. “What if he wants another chance?”
“Fuck! I don’t know, Claire! Just—just hear him out. Be strong, but be understanding. Listen to your heart.”
“My heart is currently performing a twenty-one gun salute in my ears. It’s not helping.” Theo appeared at the driver’s side window. “Oh God. I have to go.”
Jaime let out a strangled cry. “OK, but call me as soon as you can! I’m dying!”
“I will.” I stuck my phone in my purse and took a breath. My stomach was jumping all over the place. Strong. Be strong. Put on your armor and don’t let him get past it without a good goddamn fight.
As I pulled on my gloves, he opened the door for me and offered his hand. I hesitated a moment, then I took it, letting him help me out. My legs felt like rubber.
He shut the door behind me. “Hi.”
“Hi.” My body reacted to his nearness as if nothing had gone wrong between us. My stomach fluttered. My breath caught. Goosebumps rippled down my arms. I pressed them to my sides so I wouldn’t throw them around his neck. God, I missed you. Say something—anything—to help me understand.
He shook his head slowly, his eyes drinking me in. “I rehearsed this a thousand times. I had things to open with. Words of apology. Reasons why you should hear me out. But looking at you, all I can think is, She’s so damn beautiful.”
“Not a terrible start,” I conceded stiffly, leaning back against my car for support. “But not good enough.”
“I know. Give me a second.” He exhaled, his breath a silvery puff in the cold, shadowy dusk of the garage. “You were right. The argument we had the morning I left, you were right—I was running away because I was scared. Because I don’t know how to trust. Because I didn’t have the guts to own up to any of it. And I’m sorry.”
“You hurt me.” My bottom lip trembled. “I gave you my heart, Theo, and you stomped all over it.”
“I want it back.” He took my head in his hands, and his eyes pleaded with mine. “I love you. I love you. I’ve never said those words to anyone in my entire life. And I've never said them to you before now because I was scared to give you that kind of power over me. I guarded them, because I felt like handing them over would give you weapons to use against me.”
He loves me! He said it! His words were putting serious chinks in the armor, but still. Weapons? “Theo, I’d never hurt you like that. You should have talked to me.”
“I didn’t know how. So I panicked. Bolted. Tried to convince myself I was doing the right thing, but being apart from you didn’t feel right at all. It just felt miserable.”
He did look miserable. And sincere. And different—something about the way he was meeting my eyes. I saw no mask on his face, no studied indifference, no panic. Just clarity. Devotion. Truth. I felt myself swaying toward him. “I’ve been miserable too.”
“I’ve done a lot of thinking, Claire. About all the things I’ve been through. The things I never talk about. The things that make me who I am.” His thumbs brushed my cheekbones. “I was wrong to think that by burying them, they wouldn’t affect me. In fact, it was the opposite.”