In truth, I didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone.
Just Claire.
At night, I thought about nothing but her, my head was full of all the things I loved and missed. Her kindness. Her sense of humor. Her laugh. Her lips curving into a smile. Her eyes. The way she talked about her students. The way she loved working with her hands. The way she got excited over little things like hot chocolate and snow and old books. The way she worried about being boring compared to her sister, as if there was anything boring about her.
I’d lie on my back, staring at the ceiling, and remember the way she’d looked at me and touched me and kissed me and taken me inside her. Pretty soon I’d get hard, and I’d close my eyes, take my dick in my hand, and get myself off to the memory of her. But it wasn’t even a close second to being with her, and I never felt relief when it was over—just anger.
Why did this fucking hurt so much? Hadn’t I done the right thing? Not only had I saved myself from a lot of heartbreak down the road, but I’d spared her, too. Now she was free to find the perfect guy she dreamed about all the time.
But if I ever saw them together, I’d fucking take his head off.
Everywhere I went and everything I saw seemed to remind me of her. Women with long hair. The granite slabs at the stoneworks. Anything flavored with sugar and cinnamon or chocolate. I couldn’t even drink a fucking lemonade without missing her.
I didn’t bother to hide my mood from my brother when it was just the two of us on a job. He asked me a few times if I was OK in those early days, but I brushed him off. I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
A week after I’d walked out, he finally brought her up by name. “Did something happen with Claire?”
We were on a lunch break from an installation job, sitting across from each other at a small booth in a sub shop. “Yeah. It’s done.”
He paused. Took a bite of his sub. “Why?”
I shrugged and took a bite of mine without even tasting it. I was unable to meet his eye but figured I’d test out an impassive mask. Act like I didn’t care. Maybe I’d convince myself too. “It was time.”
“It was?” Aaron shrank back a little. “Didn’t look like it to me.”
“Yeah, well. Things aren’t always what they seem.”
He was silent for a minute or so, but I felt his knowing eyes on me. Sizing me up. Seeing me. “She break it off?”
“No. I did.” I stuffed a few potato chips in my mouth.
Aaron set his sandwich down and leaned his elbows on the table. “You bailed on her.”
“So?”
“And you did it not because it was time, or you don’t care about her, but because you do.”
“Fuck off.”
He shook his head. “No. You’re fucking this up on purpose, Theo, and I don’t want you to do it.”
I finally met his eyes. “It’s none of your business.”
“The hell it isn’t. Brothers look out for each other. And when they see each other making a big mistake, they speak up.”
I threw my sandwich down on the wrapper and set my fists on either side of it. “Fine. You spoke up. Now let it go.”
“No. I’ve watched you make too many bad decisions in your life to let this go. You want to tell me you don’t care about her? Fine. I’ll let it go. But I think you do, and I think you left her because you’re scared.”
“Fuck you, Aaron!” I was being too loud, and people were looking over at us, but I didn’t care. “Who are you to talk to me about leaving? You’re the one who left your wife and kids for two months—this time.”
“Shh. Keep your voice down.” Aaron glanced over his shoulder and back at me. “You’re right. I have made mistakes. I did leave my wife and kids. And there isn’t a goddamn day that goes by I don’t regret it. I’d give anything to go back and do things differently, Theo, but I can’t. I don’t want to watch you make the same mistake.”
“You know I told her she should leave?” I was being a spiteful dick, and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop. I wanted someone to feel as bad as I did. “Every day I told her she should leave and take the kids away. I never understood why the hell she didn’t.”
Aaron didn’t take the bait. “Because Josie’s not like you, Theo. She believes when you love someone, you stay.”
I tried again. “Then she’s a fool. You’re only going to leave her again.”
“I’m not. I made a promise to myself that I intend to keep. I had to face down a lot of monsters to get here, Theo, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
I’d run out of insults to throw at him, and it was only making me madder that my brother was so calm. That he’d figured out how to keep a promise. That he trusted Josie—and himself—to stay. That he’d finally faced his monsters and come away stronger for it.
Why was I the only one who couldn’t get a grip on my fear? Was it my fate to be alone for the rest of my life? I shoved out of the booth, dumped my trash, and went out to my car. Aaron came out a few minutes later, but we didn’t talk on the drive back to work or for the rest of the day. I knew I owed him an apology but I was too busy being pissed off and sorry for myself to offer one.
That night, I lay in bed and thought, fuck it. I don’t need this grief. And no one here needs me. I should just leave. Take off again. Hit the open road like I used to and see where it takes me.