Are you nuts? What’s with you tonight? Get the fuck out of here.
Buttoning my coat, I moved for the door. “See you,” I tossed off as I passed her. It was an asshole move, but sometimes the shoe fits.
Five seconds later, I was alone on the porch with the door shut behind me. Fuck. It was like going from a steaming hot shower into an ice bath. Frowning, I braced myself against the bitter cold, icy air stinging my nasal passages and lungs as I hustled through the freezing dark to my car.
It would have been so easy to turn around and go back inside, stay the night in her cozy little fairy-tale house with its Christmas lights and delicious scents and her warm, soft body next to mine. It would feel so good.
But I couldn’t do it.
I threw the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway, then shoved it into drive and took off down the street, tires spinning in the snow.
Fourteen
Claire
* * *
Wow. OK then.
I stood there for a moment, staring at the front door, a little in shock that he’d actually just walked out so abruptly, with barely a glance in my direction. In all honesty, I kind of thought it might be one of his games. Like he might knock on the door a minute later and say he’d only been kidding and sure, he’d stay.
So I kept standing there.
One full minute ticked by. A car door slammed.
Another minute. The engine came to life.
A third minute. Headlights flashed through the living room window as he backed out of the drive and pulled away.
Well. I guess that’s that.
My mouth turned down as I realized that he was really gone. Maybe it had taken him some additional willpower as he sat there in his car, but in the end, he’d left. It was amazing to me that a person could change gears like that. One moment, he was hugging me in the kitchen and saying sweet things, and the next he was bolting for the door like he didn’t even care that we’d never see each other again.
Of course, that was assuming a few things.
That he even had feelings.
That he hadn’t been pretending.
That tonight had been more than just business as usual.
I really had no evidence that any of those things were true. What I did have was sore muscles, tangled hair, and memories of what had been the hottest night of my life. In fact, if I hadn’t had the sore muscles and tangled hair as proof, I might have thought I’d dreamed it.
Slowly, as if I was moving through mud, I turned off the kitchen light, the Christmas tree lights, and plodded into the bathroom.
What are you moping about? I asked my reflection as I brushed my teeth. You got exactly what you wanted. You fooled everyone at the wedding, you didn’t have to sit at the singles table, and you had an unbelievable night with a hot guy who gave you like eleventy orgasms. What more do you want, greedypants?
I scowled at myself, toothpaste froth all over my mouth.
You knew all night long this was a one-time thing. He told you it was, flat out. You said it was fine. You said all you wanted was a good time. You said no expectations.
After rinsing my toothbrush, I washed my face, turned off the lights and dragged my sorry ass upstairs, continuing to berate myself.
Did you think it would go another way? Did you think your hired hottie would turn out to be The One? What the hell would you tell your kids? “Daddy and I met the night I paid him three hundred dollars to be my pretend boyfriend so I wouldn’t look like a loser. Isn’t that romantic?”
Angry with myself, I got into bed and pulled the covers over my head, curling into a ball on my side. Maybe I was doomed to be unhappy. No matter what I did, it backfired. I played it safe, I didn’t meet anyone I like. I took a risk, I met the wrong guy. Unfortunately, I happened to like him.
I flopped over to the other side. It just seemed so unfair. Finally, finally, after years of trying, I felt the thing with someone, and we’d never see each other again. Had it been one-sided?
Maybe it had. A guy like Theo probably had all kinds of beautiful women panting after him everywhere he went. What would he want with a girl who might wear red lipstick and talk dirty on a Saturday night but wanted to cuddle in bed on a Sunday? Who said she had no expectations but was crushed when he left her at the door? Who believed in soul mates and wanted to be tied to someone?
When the dirty talk was over, he’d want nothing with a girl like that.
A girl like me.
Fifteen
Theo
* * *
After a shitty night’s sleep during which I swear I kept smelling Claire next to me, I woke up in a bad mood. Why, I had no idea. I’d had a great time, a bunch of great sex, and even enjoyed a little trip down memory lane to one of the happier times in my life. Then I’d gotten out without disappointing her. What the hell did I have to be grouchy about?
I went to the gym and worked out, hoping a good, punishing sweat would make me feel better. It didn’t.
I decided it must be concern for my brother’s family making me feel down. So after cleaning up, I thought I’d go get a little Christmas tree for Josie and the girls. Seeing their happy faces and watching them decorate it would cheer me up. Maybe I could try to figure out what each of them wanted from Santa, and if Josie hadn’t gotten it all taken care of—which I doubted—I’d go shopping for them.
Before I left, I checked my email and calendar, where I noticed a reminder to invoice Claire for the balance of her date. Frowning, I deleted it. Somehow I’d give her hundred bucks back too—now I felt bad that I’d even taken it.
On the way to the tree farm, I stopped to grab a cup of coffee and a donut, and as I sipped the scalding hot dark roast, I remembered watching Claire rush into Great Lakes Coffee, nervous and flustered and much, much prettier than I’d expected. If I were the kind of guy who said things like, She took my breath away, that’s what I’d say about Claire. Probably I should have introduced myself right away, but in those situations I liked taking a few minutes to size people up, see what my intuition told me about them. It gave me the upper hand.