I opened the pill bottle, fished one out, and held it above me. The tiny blue oval felt dry and powdery on my wet fingers. God, it was so small, only a third the size of my pinky nail, and yet it was everything. Breasts and sterility were irreversible side effects, but I knew I was never going back.
It was going to be hard. I was going to have to pretend to be a boy for a little while longer. No matter how much I tried to hide it, classmates and family members were going to notice my body change. The bullying would probably be worse than ever, but somehow, now, I felt like I could handle it. I felt like, as Amanda, I could face things that would have kept me cowering in bed before.
I closed my eyes, placed the pill on my tongue, and washed it down with a sweet, bubbling sip of soda. Then I lay my head back down, closed my eyes, and bathed in moonlight, letting myself dream of how good life could be every now and then.
33
The girls picked me up outside Dad’s apartment for the first day of my second semester in Lambertville. I settled into the left rear seat, next to Chloe, same as always, and in the quiet moment before we would hurriedly catch up with one another I breathed and marveled at how normal everything felt. The world had ended, and yet the world was still here.
“The prodigal daughter returns!” Layla said, beaming at me in the rearview.
“It’s good to be back,” I told them honestly. “I missed you guys.” I hesitated for a moment, then asked what I’d been afraid to ask. I leaned forward so my head was between the two front seats and looked at Anna. I couldn’t help noticing she was having a hard time looking at me. “Are we okay?”
Anna started to say something, but Layla gave her a dangerous look. She looked thoughtful, and started again. “Lord knows I don’t walk the straight and narrow,” she said, very primly. “None of us is perfect except God, right? So I think it’s a sin”—there was another furious look from Layla—“but I think lots of things are sins and Jesus died so we’d be forgiven for our sins, so…”
“Okay,” I said, gently putting a hand on her shoulder, “but are you still my friend?”
“Of course!” Anna said. “Just ’cause I’m grappling with the … the…”
“The metaphysics,” Layla said.
“With the metaphysics doesn’t mean I don’t still love you and Chloe like sisters!”
“That’s all I need to know then,” I said, falling back into my seat and sharing a smile with Chloe.
“I did do some reading though, online,” Anna said, turning to face me. “And if I ever do or say anything homophobic or transphobic, y’all just let me know, okay? And I’ll have a talk with the folks at church, Amanda, ’cause everybody loved you and I want you to feel comfortable coming back.”
I put my hand over hers and felt a prickling tenderness in my fingertips. “Thank you.”
“Of course she’s the one that gets thanked,” Layla said. “You and Chloe with your super-secret queer girls club—”
“Actually,” Chloe said, stifling a laugh and glancing at me, “I had no idea she was tra—”
“And Anna just mutters something about Jesus sort of loving you and suddenly she’s an angel and meanwhile I was there with you when your dad punched Grant—”
“Your dad punched Grant?” Anna said, her mouth wide.
“I pulled a loaded gun on Parker,” Chloe reminded nobody in particular.
“But who cares about Layla? No one, obviously! I’m just the girl with the car nobody gives a shit about, so why—”
“Layla!” I said. She stopped and glanced back at me. I hugged her from behind and kissed the top of her head. “You shush. You’re a treasure. Thank you guys so much.” I thought of Andrew then, that sad child who wanted desperately for someone to be a friend, for someone to understand, who never could have imagined a future like this. Who couldn’t imagine a future at all.
“That’s all I wanted,” Layla said, flipping her hair and giving a haughty look to the middle distance as she pulled into the parking lot. “Just, you know, some recognition of my grandeur.”
We all got out of the car and hugged. Anna and Layla had to rush off to an early student-government meeting, but Chloe and I had nowhere in particular to be for fifteen minutes.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” Chloe said as we sat cross-legged in the grass by the front steps. “For being jealous about Bee. I know you never liked her like that.”
I sighed. “No, not like that,” I said. “But I’m still sorry.” I hadn’t heard from Bee yet, and I wasn’t sure what it would be like when I saw her. Maybe she would try to apologize, try to be my friend again. But no matter what she said, I knew I couldn’t let her back into my life. What she did hurt me even more than Parker, even more than the assault in the mall bathroom, because I had trusted her. I knew now I would have to be careful with who I let myself get close to. But maybe that was a lesson everybody had to learn.
“Don’t apologize,” Chloe said. She plucked two long pieces of grass and held them between her index and middle fingers. “Really, don’t. It was just that you were new, and pretty, and you just came in and got everything you wanted, and then it felt like you took her too. And it was like everything was so hard for me, while it seemed so easy for you. But I know now that it ain’t that simple.”