“There you are!” she cried, grabbing my arm. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”
“Give us a minute? We were just—” I tried to protest, but Anna was already ushering me toward the door.
I gave Bee a last look as we left, hoping things between us would be okay. “What’s going on?” I asked, but she just shook her head, and I knew enough from the ear-piercing kidnapping not to ask any more questions.
“There she is!” Layla cried as we came through the gym’s double doors and the spotlight fell on me. My eyes adjusted to the light and I realized everyone had turned to look at me. Grant appeared by my side on the gym floor and clutched my hand, smiling like a little boy. “You missed the announcement!”
“What announcement?” I said, my voice feeling strangely loud in the suddenly quiet gym.
“Homecoming queen!” Layla cried. She held out a silvery tiara that glinted in the light and hopped down from the stage. It took her a long time to get to me; when she finally broke through the crowd and wove the tiara into my hair my heart was beating so fast I thought I might die. She hugged me, whispered “Congratulations” in my ear, and she and Grant brought me back to an empty circle in the middle of the crowd. Music started playing, but I didn’t hear it. I just saw smiling faces pointed at me in every direction, Grant’s the brightest of them, and I felt myself in my own body being loved and accepted, and it felt so good it was almost surreal. This wasn’t my life. This couldn’t be my life. Things like this did not happen to girls like me.
I was drawn back to reality by Bee’s voice, just barely audible, yelling over the crowd and the music. Everyone turned toward the stage, a look of confusion on the faces around me. There was Bee, swaying badly, blinking glassy eyes against the stage lights as she grabbed the mike.
“Hi,” she said. We all winced at a sudden screech of feedback. “Yay home team! Sports!” She stumbled but quickly caught herself and looked straight down at her feet. “Wooooo football yay!”
“She’s wasted,” Grant said. I wrapped my arms around his and looked around the gym. The reactions in the sea of faces were mixed, some angry, some confused, some laughing. I saw the chaperones panicking and one of them heading toward the stage from all the way across the gym.
“Hey, I don’t have long,” Bee said, waving to the oncoming chaperone, “so I’ll get to it. I hate this fuckin’ town, I hate this school, and I hate all of you, and do you know why? I hate y’all because you could be so great. So many of you are, like, one step away from being so cool, and you’re so afraid of nothing that you all pretend to be normal.” A ball of ice began to form in my stomach. I hugged Grant’s arm tighter and he kissed me just above my ear.
“Well, that’s over tonight. Callie’s had two abortions!” she cried, pointing at a heavyset girl near the stage. “Austin’s a fag!” she declared, turning to point at a shaggy-haired boy I didn’t know standing by himself near the punch.
People were beginning to whisper. People were beginning to look afraid.
Bee started looking around the gym rapid-fire. “Fucking the science teacher! Drug dealer!”
Her finger landed on Chloe, who glanced up and scowled when she heard her name. “Dyke!” Bee cried. The chaperone had been slowed by the crush of people near the stage but he was close now, just a few yards from the stairs. Bee pointed at herself and yelled, “Queer! Slut!”
And then she pointed at me.
“But I saved the best for last, y’all,” she said. “Look at our homecoming queen. Ain’t she sweet? Ain’t she beautiful? She’s livin’ the dream, right? I bet a lot of you guys’ve thought about her in the shower. Smart, pretty, but not pushy or intimidating … she’s everything this fucked-up place wants a girl to be.” The chaperone was mounting the steps. I couldn’t stop shaking. Grant held me close and in that moment I loved him so much. “But guys, guess what: She’s a he!” The crowd went silent, the only noise the sound of the scuffle as the chaperone finally made it to the stage and grabbed the mike from Bee.
A few people looked confused, but most laughed it off. As eyes turned to me I realized my hands were shaking. People started whispering to each other. Grant looked over at me, seeming unfazed by what he assumed was some kind of bizarre prank, and then he saw the haunted look on my face.
“Oh my God,” Grant said as the realization dawned on him, a look of absolute confusion and horror in his eyes. I wanted to say something, to pause and give us time, to stop the next few minutes from happening like I knew they would, but I couldn’t.
I ran.
27
“Amanda, wait!” Grant said. I barely even registered that I was hearing him until he grabbed my arm and stopped me just short of the gym’s double doors. I struggled for a moment and then turned to face him.
“It’s not true, right?” Grant said, letting go of my arm. “It’s just a prank you two came up with when y’all were stoned?”
“You promised you wouldn’t ever hate me,” I whispered, looking at his chest. Somehow that seemed to be enough of an answer for him. Muscles in his jaw jumped and twitched and I could actually hear the grinding of his teeth. “You promised you’d never regret being with me.”
“What?” Grant said, stepping forward. I stepped back and nearly stumbled, feeling sick to my stomach. Tears welled in his eyes. “You’re a boy? I remember what I fucking said, but how can you be a boy?”