‘Jenni, are you sure? Are you one hundred per cent sure?’
‘One hundred per cent.’
‘Right.’
‘Sarah? What the hell’s going on?’ Reuben sounded angry again.
‘I have to go,’ I said heavily. ‘I have to get on a plane.’
Chapter Thirty-Two
Dear Eddie,
I promised you that the last letter I wrote would really be my last.
But the thing is, I’m beginning to wonder who you actually are. My friend Tommy recently asked if I thought you might have had something to do with the accident. I dismissed the idea out of hand, only now I’m not so sure.
Was it you who came to my office today? Was it you I saw at a traffic light last week? And if it was, why? What are you doing?
Eddie, do you know exactly who I am? Why I never came back to England?
Are you the person I’m afraid you might be?
The chances are, you’ll read this and think, What is this girl talking about? Why won’t she leave me alone? Is she out of her mind?
But what if that’s not what you’re thinking? What if you know exactly what I’m talking about?
I just keep wondering, Eddie. I just keep wondering.
Sarah
Chapter Thirty-Three
Extract from the Stroud News & Journal , 11 June 1997
Police have arrested a man in connection with the fatal accident on the A419 near Frampton Mansell earlier this month. Senior Investigating Officer PC John Metherell confirmed last night that a nineteen-year-old man from Stroud had been taken into custody on suspicion of causing death by dangerous driving.
The crash, which has left a local family devastated, has led to calls for better speed control on this remote stretch of road. Frustration has also been expressed at the police’s failure to make any arrests until now.
Since the accident Gloucestershire Constabulary have been searching for a man – described at the time as male, in his late teens or early twenties – who escaped the scene of the crime via fields or local footpaths. New information received by the force on Monday has led to his successful detection and arrest.
The SNJ was unable to obtain confirmation before going to print that the suspect had been charged.
Chapter Thirty-Four
I lay in Jenni’s spare bed, listening to Javier loading his truck outside. On his radio a man spoke in rapid Spanish about the wildfire roaring across the dry hills of California. El fuego avanca rápidamente hacia nosotros , he said. The fire is coming at us fast. When he said the word ‘fire’ his voice slowed right down, caressing each syllable like a new flame licking through paper. Fu-e-go.
Jenni was playing Diana Ross in the shower, although she wasn’t singing along. The boiler was groaning. Next door’s cat was making childlike wails, which meant Frappuccino was out in the yard.
I rolled over onto my back and rubbed my belly.
There was a man out there, somewhere, a nameless man I’d been thinking about for nineteen years. I didn’t know his face or his voice, had nothing to go on beyond his surname, but I’d always known I’d recognize him when he found me. I would look him in the eye and I’d just know.
Which was why Eddie David couldn’t be that man, I told myself. Despite the fact that his surname was wrong, I’d have sensed who he was the moment I met him. I’d have known.
The fire is coming at us fast.
Without warning I got up and ran to the toilet and threw up .
‘A school-night hangover!’ Kaia held a smile in those pleasant eyes of hers, so I’d know she wasn’t judging me. ‘You’re making me feel old, Sarah.’
I crouched in front of our little fridge, crammed with salads and wraps, and closed my eyes. I couldn’t eat my lunch. I couldn’t face even finding it. ‘You shouldn’t be impressed,’ I said. ‘You should judge me. I deserve it.’ I pulled myself up.
‘We’ve all been there,’ Kaia said. She was huddled over something by the kettle, as if to shield it from my view. I peered miserably over her shoulder and saw, as expected, a perky salad.
I wish she weren’t so good at handling me , I thought. Or so bloody thoughtful. She was only hiding that salad so I wouldn’t feel bad about myself. Above all I wished she weren’t here in our office. Yesterday her excuse for coming had been that she had some insight to share from a recent fundraisers’ meeting at the Children’s Hospital, but today there had been no explanation. She’d just wandered in at ten and sat at a computer. Even Jenni was annoyed.
I went back to my desk with a glass of water in one hand and a tremor in the other. Reuben and Kaia went out onto our little roof terrace for lunch.
I tried to read my emails, but once again the words were shapeless and floppy. I tried to drink the water, but my stomach wasn’t having it. Ice! it told me. The water has to be iced! I dragged myself back to the kitchen, only to find the ice tray in the freezer empty. I sat back down at my desk and watched my husband and his girlfriend canoodling outside. Kaia was sitting in the crook of Reuben’s arm.
‘I can’t do this,’ someone said.
Me, I realized, after a pause. I had said it.
I almost laughed. Here I was, shaking, nauseous, dizzy, now talking to myself at my desk. What next? Animal sounds? A nude streak?
Then: ‘I can’t,’ I heard myself say. My voice was coming from a part of me I couldn’t control. ‘I can’t do it. Any of it.’
I escorted myself quickly into our meeting room.
Stop this , I told myself, closing the door behind me. Stop this immediately. I wandered around the table, pretending to text someone; looked at them again. Kaia kissed Reuben’s forehead. A stray cat watched them from the roof of a neighbouring Botox clinic. Behind them rose the straggle of high-rise buildings over in Downtown.
‘I can’t do this.’
Stop it!
Anyone would feel unsettled watching her ex-husband fall in love again, I reasoned. It was OK to feel upset.
Only it wasn’t about Reuben and Kaia.
The fire is coming at us fast.
I tried to stop the words worming their way to my mouth but hadn’t the strength. ‘I want to go home,’ I said.
The meeting room hummed quietly.
‘Stop it,’ I whispered. Hot tears prickled. ‘Stop it. This is your home.’
No, it’s not. This was never more than a hiding place.
But I love this city! I love it!
That doesn’t make it home.
Jenni slid through the door. ‘Sarah,’ she said. ‘Sarah, what’s up? You’re talking to yourself.’
‘I know.’
‘Is it about Reuben? I can ask Kaia to leave, if you want. They shouldn’t behave like that.’
I took a long breath. But while I waited for the right words, Jenni marched out of the room. I stared stupidly at her back, realizing only too late what she was about to do .
Kaia and Reuben looked up. Jenni said something; they smiled, nodded. Reuben was whistling as he came through the door, but there was something about his face that told me he knew what was coming.
No , I thought weakly. Not this. This is not the problem. But Jenni had already kicked off. She stood squarely at the top of the table, talking in a voice I had heard three, maybe four times in our entire history.
‘Kaia, we’re very grateful you’ve been helping us out, but I think we need to clarify exactly which projects you’re helping with, and whether or not there’s an unmanageable workload somewhere in our team. Because if there is, we’ll need to take a look at that. It’s not appropriate for you to be here, helping on a casual basis. Nobody signed off on it.’
Silence. Reuben’s eyes rolled over to mine, wide with shock.
Kaia’s face had paled. ‘Sure,’ she began, although I knew she had no idea what to say next. ‘I . . . well, I’ve just been trying to help with a few things that Reuben needed off his desk . . . And Sarah’s deputy, Kate, seemed to . . .’ She fiddled with the ring that sat halfway up her finger and I realized her hands were shaking.
This is neither the problem nor the solution , I thought. I was so tired. So desperately tired.
‘I’m sorry,’ Kaia said after a pause. ‘I didn’t want to be inappropriate. I realize I’ve probably been here a bit too often . . .’ Her eyes filled with tears.