So I wrenched open my cubicle door and I faced them: this row of thirty-seven-year-old women, with their carefully done hair and their perfume and their outfits that they wouldn’t admit to having bought especially for the occasion. They turned round, mascaras in hand, lip gloss sparkling sickly. They stared at me, and I stared at them.
And I said nothing. Sarah Mackey, keynote speaker, lobbyist, campaigner. She stood there in silence in front of her old friends, and then she fled.
Chapter Nine
DAY EIGHT: The Day I Left
‘This has been the best week of my life,’ Eddie said, the day I left his house.
I loved this about him. He seemed always to say what he was thinking; nothing was edited. Which was a novel experience for me, because everyone edited everything when I came back to England.
Smiling, he placed two big hands round the sides of my face and kissed me again. My heart was wide open and my life was starting over. I had never been more certain of anything.
‘I do want to meet your parents,’ he said, ‘because they sound very nice, and because they made you. But I’m quite glad they had to go away.’
‘I agree.’ I traced a finger along his forearm.
‘It feels like the most extraordinary act of providence – there I was, sitting on the village green, talking to a sheep – and you just marched into my life, as if you’d been waiting in the wings for a cue. And then you came to the pub, and you . . . liked me.’ He smiled. ‘Or at least you seemed to.’
‘Very much.’ I reached round and slid my hand into his shorts pocket. ‘Very much indeed.’
Outside, the song of a blackbird fluted down from a branch. We both turned to listen .
‘Final time,’ he said. He handed me a flower of hawthorn blossom from the pot on his windowsill. Spring had been slow, and the flowers were still blanketed across the trees like Eton Mess. ‘Final time. Should I cancel my holiday?’
‘You should not,’ I made myself say. I twirled the tiny stem between my fingers. ‘Go and have a wonderful time. Forward me your flight details and I’ll be at Gatwick a week today.’
‘You’re right.’ He sighed. ‘I must go on this holiday, and I must actually enjoy it. Normally I’d be over the moon at the thought of a week in Tarifa. But I can call you, can’t I? From Spain? I don’t care about the cost. Let me take your mobile number, and numbers for everyone you’re likely to be near until I can see you again. We can FaceTime. Or Skype. And talk.’
I laughed, squinting through cracks to put my number in his mangled old phone. ‘It looks like you’ve driven over this on a tractor,’ I said, putting the little sprig of blossom on the windowsill.
‘Put in the landline at your parents’ house,’ he said. ‘And the landline where you’re staying in London. What’s your friend’s name? Tommy? Put his address in, too, so I can send you a postcard. Although you’re going up to Leicester to see your granddad first, aren’t you?’
I nodded.
‘Well, give me his number and address, too.’
I laughed. ‘Trust me, you don’t want to end up on the phone to Granddad.’
I handed back his phone.
‘Let’s make friends on Facebook, too.’ He opened his Facebook and typed in my name. ‘Is this you? Standing on a beach?’
‘That’s me. ’
‘Very Californian.’ He looked at me and my stomach pitched. ‘Oh, Sarah Mackey, you’re lovely.’
He bent down and kissed my shoulder. He kissed the crook of my elbow. The pulse at the bottom of my neck. He pulled my hair up and kissed my spine as it dropped into my vest.
‘I’m crazy about you,’ he said.
I closed my eyes and smelled him. His skin, his clothes, the soap we’d used in the shower. I couldn’t imagine surviving without this for seven days. And as much as I’d loved Reuben, I had never seen separation from him as a matter of survival.
‘I feel the same.’ I held him tightly. ‘But I think you know that. I’ll miss you. A lot.’
‘And I’ll miss you.’ He kissed me again, pushing my hair back off my face. ‘Look, when I get back, I want to introduce you to my friends and my mother.’
‘Great.’
‘And I want to meet your parents, and your British friends, and your terrifying granddad, if he ends up coming to stay.’
‘Of course.’
‘And we’ll work out what to do from there, but it’ll involve us being together somehow, somewhere.’
‘Yes. You, me and Mouse.’ I slid my hand back into his pocket, felt the little wooden key ring.
He paused. Then: ‘Take her,’ he said. He pulled out his keys. ‘Keep her safe until I get back. I’m always scared of losing her on the beach. She means a lot to me.’
‘No! I can’t take your lovely Mouse. Don’t be mad . . .’
‘Take her,’ he insisted. ‘Then we know we’ll see each other again.’
He placed Mouse in my palm. I looked at her jetty eyes, then at Eddie’s .
‘OK.’ I closed my fingers around her. ‘If you’re sure?’
‘I’m very sure.’
‘I’ll take good care of her.’
We kissed for a long time, him leaning against the newel post at the top of the stairs, me pressed tight into his chest, Mouse in my hand. We’d agreed that he wouldn’t see me off at the front door. It seemed too final, too much like a proper separation.
‘I’ll call you later today,’ he said. ‘I’m not sure what time, but I’ll call. I promise.’
I smiled. It was sweet of him to acknowledge that: the old, crabby fear of not being called. But I knew he would. I knew he’d do everything he said he’d do.
‘Bye,’ he said, kissing me one last time. I took the blossom stem and walked down the stairs, turning at the bottom. ‘Don’t watch me go,’ I said. ‘Make it feel like I’ve just popped out for some milk or something.’
He smiled. ‘OK. Goodbye, Sarah Mackey. See you in a few minutes, with some milk or something.’
We both paused, watching each other. I laughed, for no reason other than sheer happiness. Then: Say it , I thought. Say it, even though it’s crazy, even though we’ve only known each other a week. Say it!
And he did. He leaned against the newel post, crossed his arms and said, ‘Sarah, I think I might have fallen in love with you. Is that too much?’
I breathed out. ‘No. It’s perfect.’
We both smiled. A point of no return had been crossed.
After what felt like a long, long time, I blew him a kiss and drifted off into the bright morning.
Chapter Ten
Dear You,
I’ve been missing you so much today, little sister.
I miss your naughty laugh and those milky sweets you always used to buy with your pocket money. I miss that keyboard you had when you were little, the one that played that infuriating tune when you pressed the yellow button. You’d pretend you were playing it yourself and you’d laugh yourself silly, thinking you’d fooled me.
I miss finding evidence of you having had a root around my bedroom when I wasn’t there. I miss the way you used to splodge jam right over the edge of the bread crust so you wouldn’t have any jamless mouthfuls.
I miss the sound of you sleeping. Sometimes I’d pause from my busy schedule of teenage angst and just listen at your door. Soft breaths. Stars on the ceiling. The rustle of your spaceship duvet, which you insisted on, even though the man in the department store said it was for boys.
Oh, my Hedgehog. How I miss you.
Things aren’t all that good for me at the moment. I don’t know what to do with myself – I feel like I’m losing my mind .
Let’s hope not, eh?
Anyway, I love you. Always. Sorry I couldn’t find anything more jolly to say.
Me xxx
Chapter Eleven
If you can’t reach me on my mobile, I may well be in my Gloucestershire workshop , it said on Eddie’s ‘Contact Me’ page.
I keep things pretty simple down there: there’s a wood-burning stove, a temperamental kettle and a desk, and that’s it as far as luxuries go. But I do have a phone, in case I’m attacked by bears or bandits. Try me on 01285 . . .