I crossed my legs.
Lowering his voice to a whisper, he leaned forward. “I thought maybe we could just do it once, get it out of our systems. I didn’t know how good it was going to be.”
My arms and legs prickled with goose bumps. It had been good. More than good.
“Afterward, when I went outside to throw the trash away, I was so mad at myself. Because I could feel something happening with us, and I didn’t want it to. I couldn’t let it.”
I nodded. “I remember. It felt like forever before you came back inside.”
“I was out there beating myself up. Because I hadn’t gotten you out of my system—in fact, it was the opposite—you were completely under my skin. But I had to go back in and act like it was no big deal. Give you the lines I’d rehearsed.” He shook his head. “Believe me, I didn’t feel that way.”
“You’re a good actor,” I said flatly.
“I was trying very hard to convince myself and you that what we’d done hadn’t affected me. That’s why I said right away I couldn’t date you. I did that for both of us—so we wouldn’t start wanting something that couldn’t happen.”
Uncrossing my legs, I leaned forward, putting both palms on the table. “But it did happen, Charlie. What about last weekend? What about telling me you wanted to give me more?”
His blue eyes pleaded with me. “That was all real. Things changed. I do want to give you more, Erin. I want to give you everything. But I also said I needed time. You said you could be patient with me, remember?”
“I meant I could be patient with you slowly opening up. This is not the same thing at all.”
“Yes, it is,” he insisted. “These are personal things about me that I don’t share with anyone up front.”
“Charlie, it’s been months.” I thumped my hands on the table.
“But I didn’t realize the night of the burglary that we were going to end up sleeping together. And then when we did, I didn’t realize I’d end up falling in love with you.”
Anger exploded in my chest, so hot and fast I nearly rocketed out of my chair. “Falling in love with me! You don’t love me, Charlie Dwyer. Don’t even try to play that card right now.”
He looked sad and earnest, the bastard. “I do, Erin. I do love you. I realized it was happening that night at Cliff Bell’s and I fought admitting it for days. That weekend I was supposed to have Madison, which was why I couldn’t go to the wedding. But then Laura called and said they were seeing Blake’s family for the holidays that night. So I was able to come and surprise you. When I saw you in that church, I knew how I felt. I nearly told you I loved you that night.”
“But instead you waited for Starbucks?” Horrified, I looked around and lowered my voice. “God, Charlie. This just feels so wrong.” I propped my elbows on the table, my forehead on my fingertips. “It’s not how I imagined this moment at all.”
He reached for one of my wrists and took my hand in his. “I’m sorry. For all of this. Look, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve clearly never had a successful relationship, and I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you walked out of here right now and never looked back. But I hope you don’t.”
Part of me wanted to do just that—walk out. This man had serious baggage, and he’d lied to me. Maybe it was by omission, but it was still a lie in my book. Yet another part of me missed him badly and still longed to be with him, whatever it took. “I don’t know what to do, Charlie. I…have feelings for you, but I need to think about this. How do I know you didn’t hide this because you suspected I might have an issue with dating someone who has a child?”
Worry creased his forehead. “I don’t know. I guess you just have to trust me that I didn’t look at it that way. I never meant for you and I to get to this point, Erin. But we’re here, I’m telling you the truth, and I’ll ask you now.” Taking a deep breath, he asked me the question I’d been afraid to ask myself. “Are you willing to be with someone who has a child, knowing that child will always come first?”
I chewed my bottom lip, agonizing over the answer. Was I a horrible person if I said I wasn’t sure? Was I being selfish and immature to think it might be too difficult? It wasn’t only a child, but an ex-wife too, one that had the right to make rules Charlie had to follow. My eyes filled. “I don’t know, Charlie. Maybe if I’d known of her existence, about the whole situation from the beginning, I’d have had time to get used to it. As it stands right now…” I felt too awful to say it.
He nodded sadly, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. “I understand.”
I looked at him through tears. “Can I have some time to think about it?”
“Of course. But while you take that time…” He closed his eyes briefly. “As hard as it will be, I think we shouldn’t see each other. I don’t want to hide things from Laura anymore—I shouldn’t have done it in the first place.”
I nodded, the tears beginning to drip down my cheeks. “You’re right. Plus it would just confuse things for me.”
He let go of my hand and offered me a napkin. “When you’re ready to talk again, let me know. If you decide you want to try, I’m willing to come clean with Laura and see what she says.”
My battered heart dusted itself off a little as I wiped my eyes. “You’d do that? Come clean about us?”