And if he said no, or if we tried it and one or both of us was unhappy, then at least we would go our separate ways knowing it wasn’t the distance that prevented us from making it work. Nor would it be unwillingness on either side to do something that made us uncomfortable—his having to make a promise about the near future or my having to put off the chance of having a husband or children for a few more years. If Lucas didn’t see himself with a family down the road after this next phase and it was still something I wanted, I’d move on knowing it was the right decision.
Lucas’s deep, even breaths told me he was asleep—resting up for round three, no doubt—and now that I’d made my decision to say what I’d come here to say, I felt sleepy too. Closing my eyes, I matched the rhythm of my breathing to his and snuggled even closer to his warm body. I brought his hand to my lips. A serenity I hadn’t felt for a long time washed over me, and I hoped he felt it too. I like to think it meant our hearts were content, beating so close to one another.
#
I awoke to a sensation that felt like butterfly wings tickling my arm. My eyes opened, and for a moment, I was confused about my surroundings. With the curtains open, the room was suffused with grayish light, and I blinked at the high-backed chair in the corner, the desk, the dresser.
Oh, right. Hotel room. And Lucas.
He brushed his fingers slowly up and down my forearm again and spoke in a whisper. “Mia? Are you awake?”
“Yes.” My voice was scratchy.
“I still can’t believe you’re here. I thought you might be a dream lying next to me. Or a ghost.”
That made me smile. “Haunting you with my naked body?”
“Yeah, exactly.” He swallowed. “Can we talk?”
I turned onto my back. Lucas had his head propped on his right hand, and even in the semi-darkness I could see his expression was serious. “Sure. What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. I was just lying here watching you sleep, and I—” He cleared his throat. “You’re so beautiful. I started getting hard just looking at you, and I was torn between wanting to wake you up for sex and letting you sleep so I could stare at you without apology and take in every detail—the smell of your hair, the shape of your mouth, the sound of your breathing, the rise of your chest…”
“God, I hope I wasn’t drooling or anything.” Quickly I touched my lips just to make sure. How disconcerting to be studied so closely when you’re unaware you’re being watched. But I was flattered too—I’d done the same. Lucas was beautiful when he slept.
“No, no.” His lips tipped up slightly, just for a second. “You’re perfect in my eyes. And everything about you, every physical detail I noticed, reminded me of something.”
“Like what?”
“Your hair reminded me of our first day together in Paris. I loved it from the moment I saw you, and then at one point when we were walking through the cemetery, I grabbed you from behind and got this big whiff of it. And I thought, How the f**k is it possible her hair smells like the beach?”
My smile deepened. “One of my secrets. I can’t tell.”
“And your skin—I’ll never forget the first time you undressed at my apartment. I’d been trying not to picture you naked all day because I felt so guilty, but then there you were, and you wanted me to touch you.”
My insides were melting like butter in a hot pan. “Yes, I wanted you to. I’d been wanting your hands on me all night. All day, practically.” Turning onto my left side in order to face him, I placed a palm on his warm stomach and ran it up his chest. Slipped one of my legs between his.
“It was unbelievable, the feel of your skin next to mine. It still is.” Lucas trailed his hand from my shoulder down my back and over my hip, sending a shiver through my entire body. “And the first time I tasted you. Jesus.”
I smiled. “You made me scream so loud. Remember?”
“I love making you scream.”
I slid my hand to his back to pull myself closer to him. His erection pressed into my thigh and I felt a rush of longing swoosh up my center.
“And your mouth,” he whispered, bringing his hand to my jaw. “I remembered that time in my apartment, after the museum, when you fell to your knees and put my c**k in your mouth, all the way to the back of your throat.” He kissed me softly, his tongue easing between my lips. I stroked it with mine, moving my hand between our legs and sheathing his hard length with my fingers. His body shuddered, and his c**k grew thicker as he rocked his hips into my hand.
“Let me do it again.” I began sliding down his chest, planting a row of kisses from his collarbone to one stiff nipple, which I teased with the tip of my tongue. “I’ve been wanting to.”
But he grabbed my shoulders. “No, wait. I need to say this.”
Surprised, I paused what I was doing and looked up at him. “Say what?”
“That as I was lying here watching you sleep, cataloging every detail about you that I love and remembering all these amazing moments and thanking God that you were here tonight, I realized something. And it hit me like a bullet to the chest.”
“What?” My own chest had some kind of thunderstorm building inside it.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
My heart ceased beating altogether. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I don’t want you to leave. Ever. I want to be with you all the time like this. Every day. Every night. And I’m an ass**le to let my fears stop us from being together.”