I took a deep breath. One month. I couldn't see him for one month.
Oh god.
I went back to my room, but it wasn't long before it hit me, really hit me. I couldn't see Mason. I couldn't see Logan. Panic settled over me and I went to the shower. With my clothes on, I turned the spray on full blast and sunk to the floor. When the water warmed, I hugged my knees to my chest and rested my forehead between them. Then I took in one gulping breath after another.
I could do this. I knew I could do this.
Hell.
I've done it before, when I had two best friends who weren't friends at all. That was when the names of Mason and Logan had seemed surreal. I considered them ass**les then. I took care of myself then. I could do it again.
The hallway was dark and narrow. The walls stretched higher than I could see and as I walked to the bathroom, I couldn't catch my breath. There was something thundering in my ear. It wouldn't stop. I frowned against the pain, but I had to go to the bathroom. I knew my mom wouldn't be happy if I disturbed anything so I trekked down the hallway as silent as I could. My bare feet were so cold. The carpet didn't warm them up. I should've worn the socks my mom insisted I wear to bed, but I always pulled them off when she left my room. I hated sleeping in them. They would get caught on my blankets, and I would wake up with my blankets tangled all around me. As I stubbed my toe against something, I whimpered and fell to the ground. I opened and closed my mouth as I tried not to let any sound out. If my mom was sleeping, I dared not wake her. She would get so mad.
When the pain subsided and I knew I wouldn't cry out, I stood back up and limped forward. I really had to pee now, but I went slower. I didn't want to hurt my toes again so I felt along the wall as I went. When I got to the corner, I turned and paused. The light was on in the bathroom. The crack underneath was lit.
Oh no.
I pressed my hands between my legs. I had to pee so bad. I couldn't go there. My mom would be really mad then.
I started to shake back and forth. It was too dark out to use the bathroom downstairs. And too cold. I was shivering already as I waited for what I should do, but then I wondered if anyone was really in there. Maybe my mom had left it on by accident—no, not possible. She double-checked everything before she went to bed. Every light was turned off. Every door was locked. All the windows were checked three times.
If anyone left it on, then it was dad. Relief went through me. If he had done it, then I could use it. Or if he was in there, he wouldn't be mad at me. He never was.
Oh my god. I had to pee!
I inched closer to the door, but I didn't hear anything. Then I knelt and tried to see underneath the door. I couldn't see anyone either. Then, with a deep breath (I was so nervous) I started to turn the doorknob.
When it wasn't locked, a big smile came over me. It would've been locked if someone had been in there so I pushed it open.
Then I froze.
My eyes went wide as I saw the blood first.
"AHHHHH!" I jerked awake and bolted upright in bed. My scream stopped abruptly and my chest heaved up and down. I couldn't get enough breath. I pounded on my chest. My heart was racing.
I tumbled out of bed. My legs weren't steady so I fell to the ground. The sheets were tangled around my legs and I sat there shivering. I wasn't cold. I was hot. I felt my forehead and wondered if the burning was in my mind or not? But no, I wiped my hand over my forehead and felt the sweat from it.
Oh my god.
I took more breaths. I needed to calm down.
It was awhile before I could move. The sheer terror was still there. I felt it in my chest and I wanted to pound on it so it would go away, but it didn't. It lingered. Oh god. I wanted Mason. He should've been beside me. He would've caught me and I would've been in his arms by now, but I remembered what happened the day before.
I closed my eyes. Everything would be fine. It was only a month, but as I said that to myself, it didn't matter. I needed him then. So I did the next best thing I could think of—I grabbed my blanket and went to his room.
I stood in the middle of his room, and I breathed it in. It smelled of him, of men's cologne and his aftershave. I calmed a little bit because of that, but then I crawled underneath his covers. I had used his body to warm me up before, but I wouldn't have that now. I spread my blanket on top and curled underneath. I hugged his pillow to me and tried to go back to sleep again.
Two hours later, I was still awake. I rolled over and glanced at his clock. It was now three in the morning.
Screw it.
I hurried from his bed and flipped on his bathroom light. I pulled on a pair of his black warm-up pants with one of his school sweatshirts. Then I went to my room, slipped on my shoes, and grabbed my purse. On the way downstairs, I grabbed my keys and went out the door. When it locked behind me, I got into my car and headed to Nate's house.
It was a risk. A big one, but I needed to see Mason. It was 3:23 in the morning when I pulled into his driveway. All the lights were off and I didn't have a phone number to wake him up so I had one option. I pounded on his door and rang the doorbell until someone woke up. When some lights were turned on inside and I heard cursing, I stepped back and waited.
Nate threw the door open. His face was in a scowl, but he took one look at me and turned back. "Mason!" Then he threw the door open and I swept inside.
"Where is he?"
He gestured upstairs. "The room you guys used before."
I ran upstairs and met him halfway. Mason's eyes went wide as he saw me, but he didn't say a word. He caught me on the stairs, lifted me in the air, and turned right around. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I drank in the sight of him.