Closer. With each second that ticks by he gets closer to me.
“She met a guy. Of course there was a guy and he wanted her so f**king bad he could hardly stand it.”
I want to back up.
I want to lunge for him.
“And for one night, she was his.”
Adrian’s mouth comes down hard and fast on mine. Tender mixed with hungry need as his tongue is stroking and exploring my mouth. My arms wrap around his neck. Adrian leans me back on the bed, my head on the pillows as he lies on top of me.
“Tonight she was his,” he says again, and then kisses me thoroughly. His lips tantalize every part of my body. Somehow I feel him everywhere. Our lips the epicenter, but my whole body is under the same assault.
All the feelings from earlier hit me again. They’re harder and stronger, full of excitement and nerves and fear. I push the others aside, making room for more excitement and desire because no matter how scary this is, I’ve never wanted anything in my life as much as I want Adrian right now.
“Please…” slips out of my mouth.
“Whatever you want.” And then he’s pulling my shirt over my head and I’m pushing his up too. He sits up, straddling me and I slide it over his head. His tattoo is there and I want to kiss it but don’t know if I should. Instead I let my hands travel over his tanned skin. Feeling each sinewy muscle as he constricts in what I hope is need.
“You drive me so f**king crazy,” he says before his mouth is on mine again. His weight so deliciously perfect on top of me. I only tense for a second when his hand pushes under the waistband of my sweats and then my panties. Nerves threaten to push in again, but I remember he’s had his mouth on me before and this is Adrian and no matter what, I know he’d never hurt me.
My body arches toward him as he pushes a finger inside. My nails claw at his back as I move with his hand.
His mouth leaves mine long enough to say, “So tight,” before he’s kissing me again. This time down my body, lavishing first one and then my other breast. And we’re moving together as his finger works me. Pleasure is climbing higher and higher inside me. My body yearns to cry out, but I don’t know if I should, so instead I dig my fingers in tighter until I’m coming apart at the seams beneath him.
He leans his body forward and we’re pressed together. I’m sweating and he’s not, but I can’t find it in me to care right now.
“So beautiful.”
“So tired,” I gasp.
“So not done.”
The promise in his voice reignites the fire inside me. Adrian stands up, his hands going for the button on his pants.
“Can I?” I ask, thankful I didn’t let myself think about the words before they came out.
“You can do anything you want to me.”
I tremble as I sit up and he waits.
My fingers move slowly as I push his button through the hole. I’m sure he’s used to girls being much better at this, but he doesn’t say anything. Risking a glance at him, I look up and his eyes are just as smoldering, just as intense as they were earlier, maybe more.
Adrian touches my cheek. Pulls the band out of my hair and runs his fingers through it. I work his zipper next, seeing the bulge he’s hiding behind it. My breath catches.
“Keep going, baby. I want you.”
And I do. He steps out of his pants after I push them down and then I hook my hands in his boxer-briefs, sliding those down too. Adrian’s length springs free. This time I almost swallow my tongue. Granted, I don’t have anything to compare it to, but he looks really big.
“You started this. You have to finish it,” he says, so I do. I push his underwear all the way down and he steps out of those too. Fear spikes inside me when he begins to step away, but he only bends down, pulling his wallet out of his pocket and then a square package from there.
Adrian opens it, but this he does for himself. I can’t take my eyes off him as he rolls it down.
He lays me on the bed and takes off the rest of my clothes. Lies down on top of me, and even though there’s space between us, I wonder if he can feel my heart beating.
His fingers drift over me. “Still wet for me,” he says.
“Go slow.” My voice sounds like a plea and I hope it doesn’t scare him.
“Whatever you want.”
And then he’s pushing in. Slow… so very slow and I’m arching toward him, but tensing up too. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
A small burst of pain makes me cry out and Adrian freezes above me. In me.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Little Ghost?” His forehead drops to mine.
“Because it doesn’t change anything. No matter what, I want to be with you.”
He gives me a small nod. A light, soft kiss on my forehead before he starts to move. With each stroke the pain is wiped away and all I feel is pleasure. Adrian. I wrap my arms around his back again. Sweat slicks his skin now and I revel in the fact that I can get him that worked up.
Each time he pulls out, I gasp, wanting to feel him deep again.
Words fill my head. I want to call his name. Want to hear him say mine, but I don’t know if it’s right or if he’ll hear the need for him in my voice, so I don’t say anything. Try to let my body tell him how good this feels. How good he feels as I move with him and clutch the strong muscles of his back.
His lips take my own and all I can think is we’re joined in two incredibly important places. That’s all it takes for the pull to start building in me again. Adrian seems to sense it and moves faster, kisses deeper, and that’s when I can’t hold it back anymore. I bite my lip as wave after wave washes over me.
“Christ,” Adrian hisses, and then he tenses above me. I feel him jerk inside me and know he’s finishing too. Veins spring to life in his neck before he pulls away. I miss the feel of him instantly. I’m scared I’m going to cry. I don’t know why. Don’t know if it’s because that was more than I expected or because as beautiful as it was, there are lies between us because of me. Lies that I need to come clean about before they ruin us both.
I try to stand up, but Adrian says, “Don’t go. Stay here. I’ll be right back.”
He disappears into the bathroom and I hear water running. He’s back in a few seconds and I can’t keep my eyes from his gorgeous, na**d body.
“Let me clean you.”
It’s so sweet and so unexpected that I’m again scared the tears will come. I try not to be embarrassed as he cleans me with the washcloth. His condom is gone and when he’s done, he puts the washcloth away, turns off the light, and crawls back into bed with me.
He doesn’t touch me at first, making me wonder if he’s going to pull away again. If somehow what was so beautiful to me could have been a mistake for Adrian.
“Come here, my little ghost.” As he says it, he’s pulling me to him, my back to his front, out bodies na**d and molding together. He wraps his arm around my waist, his mouth by my ear. All I can do is feel him and hear him. He didn’t just say little ghost… he said my. It’s thrilling and wonderful and another reason to feel guilty all wrapped together.
“Do you want to know more of the story?” he asks, holding me so close.
“Yes.”
“It was about more than just wanting her. The girl… she was amazing. So giving. She gave the man something he didn’t deserve… but he was really thankful. He treasured it.”
In the dark, I let the wetness in my eyes brim over. “What happened next?”
“I don’t know,” he says after what feels like forever. “I don’t know the end.”
Another truth I would prefer over the lie. No promises.
Adrian doesn’t say anything else. I can tell when he falls asleep, when his breathing evens out, his body as relaxed as I’ve ever felt it. But I can’t sleep. Guilt churns inside me.
Quietly I slip out of bed. I grab my short robe from my bag and slip it on before walking over to the window and opening the curtains to look out. Please don’t wake up.
You can see the coldness in the air. I look at the stars. They’re so bright, so never ending and so far away from all the hurt that I envy them.
The tattoo on Adrian’s chest shows in my mind and again the look on his face when he saw the little girl. The pain that is so dark and lonely in his eyes and how when we came together, I could have sworn it disappeared. Tears stream down my face. How can I feel that way when I know it’s a lie? When I know he’ll never be able to look at me without seeing the nephew I took from him, once he finds out?
But I have to tell him. After what just happened, something that I will always treasure, I almost feel dirty. It was like he somehow knew and tried to clean it from me but couldn’t because it’s my secret sin he doesn’t know about.
I wipe my eyes, trying to hold all these feelings at bay. I have to tell him and I don’t deserve to cry before I do it.
“She stands amongst the stars of night…”
When I hear his voice, I jump but don’t turn around. I can’t.
“They look back at her and envy her light. For none of those stars shine as bright as she…”
I don’t move. His words are beautiful music in my head.
“That’s all I can think of right now,” he adds. I don’t know what it is about those words, but they break me. All I can think of is it’s perfect exactly how it is. He doesn’t need more, because I don’t think it can get any better.
I can’t hold back the cry that pulls out of me. It’s not loud and I bury my face in my hand, but still he knows. I feel him behind me, so close but not reaching for me.
“I’m sorry.”
I hate that he thinks I’m crying because of what we did. He might not be able to touch me right now, but I need my hands on him. I turn, grab him around the neck, and bury my face into his chest.
“It’s not because of what we did. I loved being with you.”
Finally he holds me back, squeezes me to him. Probably because I’m breaking down, but the reason doesn’t matter.