The forums are alive tonight. Rainmaker has posted another chapter of his latest Monstrous Sea fanfiction, Auburn Blue. I only know this because ninety percent of the people on the boards are looking at his fanfiction thread, and he’s nowhere in sight. I don’t think he ever sticks around to see what people say about his writing. A man after my own heart.
I ignore the thread. The only fanfiction I ever plan to read is what Wallace gives me. There’s a purity to it, in knowing that it’s so good and that I’m the only one who’s seen it, that I’ll never get from something published online. This is just for me. At least for now.
I stop and reread the chapter he wrote two more times. Then I check my messages.
Emmy and Max have advised. To put it lightly.
2:00 p.m. (emmersmacks has joined the message)
emmersmacks: Wait
emmersmacks: So what happened with New Kid
2:30 p.m.
emmersmacks: But seriously
3:01 p.m.
emmersmacks: E!!
3:33 p.m.
emmersmacks: E I swear to God
3:59 p.m. (Apocalypse_Cow has joined the message)
Apocalypse_Cow: e’s dealing with new kid again?
emmersmacks: Well I think so
emmersmacks: She isnt responding
emmersmacks: And Ive only been texting her every HALF-HOUR
emmersmacks: EEEEEEEE
Apocalypse_Cow: somehow I don’t think yelling will make her look at her phone faster.
Apocalypse_Cow: why were you messaging her at 2:30? Isn’t that like 11:30 your time? I thought you had that architecture class.
emmersmacks: Dropped it
emmersmacks: Architecture is stupid
Apocalypse_Cow: but you’re a civil engineering major . . .
emmersmacks: Whats your point
Apocalypse_Cow: never mind.
Apocalypse_Cow: ELIZA. WHAT IS UP WITH NEW KID.
4:12 p.m.
emmersmacks: Let me just go die and rot in my dorm room
4:40 p.m.
emmersmacks: ughhhh
Apocalypse_Cow: *prepares funeral rites*
4:46 p.m. (MirkerLurker has joined the message )
MirkerLurker: Whoa, okay.
MirkerLurker: Obviously I should have checked this sooner.
emmersmacks: -_-
MirkerLurker: I got your package! I really like Mr. Greatbody.
emmersmacks: NEW KID
emmersmacks: NOW
MirkerLurker: What if it had gone horribly and I didn’t want to talk about it? What if I found out he was a serial killer?
emmersmacks: For godsakes at least tell me what he looks like
MirkerLurker: Max probably doesn’t want to hear about this stuff.
Apocalypse_Cow: actually, emmy built it up a lot and now i kind of want to know too.
MirkerLurker: Fine! Fine.
MirkerLurker: Dark hair, dark eyes. Taller than me. Built like a football player.
Apocalypse_Cow: a football player is writing fanfiction? remind me what world we live in.
emmersmacks: Im sure there are plenty of football players who also partake of the occasional fanfiction
emmersmacks: Go on E
MirkerLurker: He found me in the courtyard during lunch and came out to eat with me. It’s kind of weird though—he only talks sometimes, I guess, so we wrote everything down.
MirkerLurker: He showed me this thing he’s working on.
I stop. I could tell them exactly what it is, but Wallace didn’t give it to me so I could go blab about it to people. Especially not Emmy and Max—I love them, but if they know someone is trying to transcribe Monstrous Sea, and if they know I think it’s really good, they’re going to want to read it too.
I don’t want them to read it. Not only would it be without Wallace’s knowledge or permission, it would kind of ruin this happy little bubble I’m in right now. It’s a secret between me and Wallace, and I like it. I like being the only one who knows.
emmersmacks: What thing
MirkerLurker: Just some fanfiction. Haven’t read it yet though.
Apocalypse_Cow: is he on the forums? what’s his username?
MirkerLurker: Don’t know. We didn’t really get to that point.
I don’t even know if Wallace is on the forums, though I feel like it’s difficult not to know about the forums if you’re a Monstrous Sea fan. Maybe Wallace doesn’t post his work online.
Davy whines. I glance at the clock; it’s dinnertime. He’s standing at the door; I let him out so he can run to the kitchen, where Mom is already pouring his food. Church and Sully come pounding up the stairs as Davy goes down, and I shut my door before they can force their way into my room.
emmersmacks: Is that all you talked about?? Fanfiction??
emmersmacks: Boring
MirkerLurker: You’ve been watching too much Dog Days.
MirkerLurker: I’m pretty sure you don’t have to suddenly have some super-deep relationship with someone as soon as you meet them.
Apocalypse_Cow: are you saying we didn’t have a super-deep relationship as soon as we met?
Apocalypse_Cow: offended.
MirkerLurker: >.>
MirkerLurker: I don’t know how to tell you this, Max, but uhhhh . . .
Apocalypse_Cow: no. the time has passed for all that. i am in a happy, committed relationship, and neither of you can talk me out of it.
MirkerLurker: How is Heather, anyway?
Apocalypse_Cow: well, she got a job with that modeling agency . . .
emmersmacks: -_-
Apocalypse_Cow: she’s teaching sixth grade.
Apocalypse_Cow: but she could be a model if she wanted!
Oh, thank god. A conversation shift.
MirkerLurker: Haven’t you been dating for like five years? Are you going to marry her?
Apocalypse_Cow: dunno
Apocalypse_Cow: if she says yes.
emmersmacks: ASK HER!!
emmersmacks: What are you waiting for???
Apocalypse_Cow: um
MirkerLurker: Leave him alone, Emmy. If he doesn’t want to ask yet, he doesn’t have to ask yet.
emmersmacks: Boo
Apocalypse_Cow: thank you, eliza.
Apocalypse_Cow: now, about that gentleman you spent the afternoon with . . .
MirkerLurker: We just ate lunch together!
Apocalypse_Cow: as you’ve said. however, i intend to get to the truth.
emmersmacks: Whats his name??
MirkerLurker: Wallace.
Apocalypse_Cow: . . .
emmersmacks: . . .
Apocalypse_Cow: . . .
emmersmacks: . . .
Apocalypse_Cow: . . .
emmersmacks: . . .
MirkerLurker: What’s wrong with the name Wallace?
Apocalypse_Cow: it’s, uh.
emmersmacks: Its silly as hell
MirkerLurker: Wallace isn’t a silly name!
Apocalypse_Cow: it makes me think of a cartoon character.
emmersmacks: There are hardcore potheads on campus named Wallace
MirkerLurker: Why do you know the names of hardcore potheads on campus?
emmersmacks: Because theyre friendly
MirkerLurker: I am now concerned about your acquaintanceship with the potheads, but I’m not sure what you want me to do about Wallace’s name.
Apocalypse_Cow: he doesn’t go by Wally or something, does he?
MirkerLurker: He told me Wallace. So that’s what I’m going to call him.
emmersmacks: Are you hanging out with him again
MirkerLurker: I don’t know. Probably. I have to give him his stuff back.
emmersmacks: You better keep us updated
MirkerLurker: On what?
Apocalypse_Cow: I second that.
MirkerLurker: Updated on what?
emmersmacks: I have homework to do
emmersmacks: but when we talk tomorrow there better be some GOOD NEWS
MirkerLurker: GOOD NEWS ON WHAT?!
CHAPTER 10
There is a small monster in my brain that controls my doubt.
The doubt itself is a stupid thing, without sense or feeling, blind and straining at the end of a long chain. The monster, though, is smart. It’s always watching, and when I am completely sure of myself, it unchains the doubt and lets it run wild. Even when I know it’s coming, I can’t stop it.
For example:
I know, when I walk into homeroom and return Wallace’s chapter, that he will probably say thank you—written, of course—and maybe smile a little, and that may be the end of it.
But I feel, standing outside the door, that I will walk in and give Wallace the papers and his eyes will skim over me in indifference because he’s realized he shouldn’t have wasted his time on me. He shouldn’t have asked me to read his work, because we don’t even know each other. Yesterday was a fluke, a bad move on his part. He knows that now. He must. Eliza Mirk is no one, to nobody. They should make that the headline of the Westcliff Star every day. ELIZA MIRK: NO ONE TO NOBODY.