“Ninety-nine, but hey, it’s okay that math isn’t your strong suit.”
“The hell it isn’t!”
“Ah, he doesn’t like to be the less smarter one in the room. Gotcha.” She smacked my check. “You’re super smart, Italy. Swear.”
I muttered a curse and shoved the list into my pocket. “Fine, we’ll do some of these things, but that’s only because it’s a better alternative than jumping out of my window — something I was actually pondering after the FBI decided to—”
What the hell was I doing?
Confessing?
Andi’s body froze, and then she slumped a bit, as if the energy from before had completely drained out of her. “Is it because of me? That they fired you?”
“Firing would have been a nicer word to use.” I sat on the barstool and eyed the eggs she had been busy sprinkling with cheese. “And no, it’s not because of you. It’s because of me.”
“They gonna try to kill you now?” she asked, her face serious.
“Ha, now wouldn’t that be convenient for you.” I was lashing out, trying to make her feel bad because I felt bad, and because I hated that she looked like she pitied me.
“Actually, no.” Andi grabbed two plates and started piling food on both of them. “It’s convenient that I have my own sexy bodyguard who’s going to dress up as a duke later. I mean, if I didn’t have you, I’d have to go hire someone.”
“I never said I’d dress up.”
“And I already bought the costume so…”
“Costume?” I repeated.
Her answer was to hand me a fork and a plate. “Besides…” She shoveled food into her mouth. “…I like your muscles.”
“What?” I choked out a bit of egg; it fell onto my plate. Embarrassing. Huh, and I didn’t do embarrassed. Always a first time for everything.
Andi smiled, mouth full of eggs, cheeks stuffed to the brim. On anyone else, it would have looked messy — slothlike. On her? It may or may not have been slightly endearing.
I looked down, breaking eye contact.
“Muscles. For when I can’t walk anymore.” She said it in a happy voice, but I could tell there was a bit of sadness there. How could she not be sad?
“So not only am I your husband-turned-protector-turned-duke, but now I’m your damn nurse too?”
“Ask me if I got an outfit for that too.”
“Almost afraid to.” I sighed. The doorbell rang, and then the door slammed shut.
“Are we expecting company on our first day of wedded bliss?” Andi’s voice sounded hurt.
I looked into her eyes and cursed.
They were pooling with tears.
What the hell?
“Russia…” I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to explain myself. “…Nixon’s stopping by to add some backup, just in case the FBI decides to tie up a loose end.”
“Me?”
I shook my head. “Me.”
“Don’t worry.” She placed her hand on mine. “I’ll protect you, Italy.”
I bit back a smile. “I wouldn’t will you on anyone.”
“Aw.” She took that same hand and put it on her heart. “You and your compliments. Don’t make me blush.”
I was about to say something in response when Nixon waltzed in.
“How’s wedded bliss, Andi?”
“Great.” Andi shoved more eggs into her face and shrugged. “We’re going to play dress-up later.”
Nixon bit down on his lip, probably to keep from laughing his ass off. “Oh really?”
“Yup.” Andi smiled. “Want me to record and upload to YouTube?”
“Hell yes,” Nixon said at the same time I said, “Hell no.”
“Andi…” I was already exhausted. She ran conversational laps around my typical mornings where I didn’t even speak until two hours after waking up. “…why don’t you clean up while Nixon and I check out the perimeter.”
“I’ll come with,” she said cheerfully.
“No.” I laughed. “Sorry, Andi, but this is guy business.”
Her eyes narrowed. In an instant, she had pulled open one of the kitchen drawers, pulled out a gun I’d never seen before in my house, loaded it, then pointed it in my direction. “Dude, I got your back. I told you this. Why don’t you listen?” She turned to Nixon. “He always this dense?”
This time Nixon did laugh. “So, married life seems to be going well.”
“Bite me,” I muttered.
“Andi…” Nixon nodded toward the door. “…feel free to help us out. We could always use an extra set of eyes.”
“Awesome.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t forget to duct tape her mouth — it’s a dead giveaway to the bad guys.”
“Ooo, say bad guys again, only this time make your voice lower and whisper in my ear,” Andi said in an excited voice.
“Russians.” I looked heavenward.
“Thought they didn’t smile,” Nixon said more to himself than to me. “And she hasn’t stopped since I got here.”
“And she probably won’t,” Andi said triumphantly. “I’ve got a lot to be excited about.”
She was kidding, right? And this is why I kept reminding her of death, because she seemed to forget every damn second! Why the hell was I the logical one in this situation? Newsflash. Dying. Death. The End. Do not pass go. She had to realize that.