I swayed again.
Phoenix gripped my arm in his hand and walked me over to an empty desk.
“Bee?” He cupped my face with his hands, his blue eyes laced with concern. “Bee, are you okay?”
“I don’t like blood.”
“You said that.”
“It should stay inside the body.”
“For the most part, it does.” His smile was small, inviting.
I leaned in until my forehead touched his chest.
He tensed but didn’t push me away; instead he patted my back awkwardly. “You think you can handle sitting in here for forty-five minutes? I have it on good authority you won’t be cutting anything up today.”
I jerked back and covered my mouth with my hands.
He let out a low chuckle. “Okay, so no mention of parts or blood.”
I shook my head no, which only made the room spin faster. Right, I talked a big game about being violent and taking care of myself, but I was pretty confident that if I had to actually follow through, I’d be more traumatized than I was willing to admit.
“Blood isn’t all bad, Bee.”
“Not helping,” I said through my hands.
“Blood…” Phoenix leaned in. “…pumps through your body, keeps you alive.” He reached out and grabbed one of my hands then turned it around, his fingers tracing the inside of my forearm. “Look at the blue lines… the lines that carry your blood, the miracle that’s life. Here’s the thing, Bee. You should never be afraid of something that gives you life, purpose, meaning. This blood—” He tapped my skin with his fingertips. “—holds every part of you, and look, it’s on the inside, where it belongs. Nothing to fear.”
“Nothing to fear,” I repeated in a wobbly voice.
“Right.” He pulled back and popped his fingers then flexed his hands a few times before scooting his chair away.
“Phoenix?”
“What?” He didn’t turn to look at me.
The professor walked in and turned down the lights as the PowerPoint presentation started.
“What are you afraid of?”
He cursed under his breath, still not meeting my eyes. “That’s one secret I think I’ll keep to myself.”
“Bees?”
He pressed his lips together, but a smile escaped. “Yeah, I’m scared of getting stung.”
I smiled back, even though he wasn’t looking at me, and whispered so only he could hear. “Well, the good news is I don’t sting.”
He sighed. “But you do. You just don’t realize you’re doing it.”
Phoenix scooted his chair away.
And that was the end of the conversation. I wondered if I’d made it up, the little moment we shared.
But, at the end of class, he was different, not as distant, not as… sad.
“Bee!” Pike rushed toward me. “Hey, you going to Freshman Retreat this weekend?”
“Yup.” I took a step closer to Phoenix. “Wouldn’t miss it.”
Pike eyed me up and down. “Can’t wait.”
Phoenix coughed.
Pike rolled his eyes. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Or are you not taking the bus?”
“I’m taking her,” Phoenix barked.
“Easy.” Pike held up his hands. “Geez, Bee, think you could tell your guard dog to lay off a bit? At least give him a treat or something.”
Phoenix lunged toward him.
Pike stumbled backward and laughed. “Easy dude. Bee, seriously, put him on a leash.”
In a flash, Phoenix was reaching for his gun.
I moved to stand in front of him and forced a laugh. “See ya later, Pike, we have a thing we have to get to.”
“Right.” He nodded then walked off.
Phoenix’s breath was hot on the back of my neck. “Don’t you ever do that again.”
“What?” I didn’t move.
“Stand between my gun and my target.”
“You can’t just kill people because they piss you off, Phoenix.”
“Says who?” he asked in a dark voice. “I mean it, Bee.”
“So do I.” I quickly turned around and poked him in the chest. “You want me to make friends? Then you can’t get pissed every time someone comes up and talks to me. Would it be different if it was a girl?”
His jaw cracked. “Of course it would! A girl wouldn’t be trying to get into your damn pants!”
“Really?” I placed my hands on my hips. “Who’s to say a girl wouldn’t want this too?”
“You’re impossible.” He scowled, throwing his hands into the air.
“You almost pulled a gun on a student and I’m the difficult one?” I tilted my head. “You can’t control everything all the time, Phoenix, and you sure as hell can’t control me!”
“You think?” he snarled, his hands reaching for my shoulders. Fingertips dug into my skin; his lips were inches from mine. “I only let you see what I want you to see, Bee, and that’s the truth. If I wanted to control you, I’d control you — and you’d like it, believe me.”
“Try me.”
With a growl, he released me and reached for his keys. “You aren’t worth the effort.”
The words were like the final blow to the miniscule amount of self-esteem I’d managed to build up over the last few days. My body physically reacted, slumping into itself and disabling the armored blanket I’d once been able to wrap around my heart.