My back teeth ground together and my hands curled into fists. “She was trying to get her kid home and she was scared shitless. She clearly knows being out after dark isn’t a good idea. You showed her why that’s true.” I narrowed my eyes and lowered my chin so he wouldn’t miss the glare aimed his way under the brim of my hat. “I don’t want to see you again, Skinner. If I do,” I nudged his leg with the toe of my boot. “I won’t have to worry about you being on the corner because you’ll be calling the hospital—or the morgue—home. Are we clear?” I pressed the sole of my boot deliberately on the side of his knee. A tiny bit more pressure and his kneecap would slide out of place. It was really hard to hustle poison when you couldn’t run from other dealers and whacked-out junkies.
He nodded jerkily, spraying blood and saliva on the sidewalk. I grunted and turned on my heel to walk toward my building, but something made me pause and look back at the man on the ground. “The girl and her kid. They are off limits to everyone else, too. Make sure you let the other rats who scurry around in the shadows know that. Let her come and go in peace so she can take care of that little girl.”
Skinner grumbled something under his breath but gave a nod. I turned on my heel and headed toward my building. Lester, the homeless veteran who called the stoop home, rolled over as soon as my boots hit the first step. The man was a war hero and unfortunately an addict. He deserved better than sleeping outside and scrambling for his next hit, but this is where he ended up. At least he had a few residents, like myself, who looked out for him. He blinked rheumy eyes at me and furiously licked at his dry, cracked lips.
“Glad you got home when you did, Solo. That girl is really nice, and her kid is sweet as can be.” His raspy voice cracked on every other word, but I was used to his unusual speech patterns.
“Been trying to scare off Skinner for over a month. Should have done a better job of it.” I rolled my stiff shoulders and blew out a breath. “Don’t know how long someone like that can last out here. She sticks out like a sore thumb. Bound to draw the wrong kind of attention.”
Lester cackled, which quickly turned into a wheezing cough. “Sounds like she needs someone to keep an eye on her.”
I rolled my eyes under the bill of my hat and hopped to a higher step. “I barely have time to shower, shit, and shave most days. If I get five free minutes, I use them to fight or to fuck. Don’t have time to be a hero for some chick I don’t know.” I didn’t even have the time to be a hero for the people I actually cared about most days.
Lester made another gasping, rumbling sound and pointed to the spot where Skinner had left a bloody puddle on the sidewalk. “Found time tonight.”
I snorted as I made it to the top of the steps, pulling the front door open. There weren’t things like security doors and buzzers in these old buildings. Hell, the elevator hadn’t worked in over five years. I blinked when I realized how long I’d been calling this crumbling building home. It wasn’t supposed to be that way, I was supposed to get out, but it hadn’t worked out. Somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten what life was supposed to be like and had learned to accept how things really were. The unidentifiable smells lingering in the corners and stairwells didn’t even faze me anymore. I didn’t blink at the peeling paint or the sound of screaming voices that came through the paper-thin walls. I hadn’t even noticed that I’d settled into this as my reality over time. The thought was as comforting as it was depressing.
When I walked into my dingy little apartment, I immediately started stripping my clothes off. There was blood on my shirt, so I threw it in the trash, knowing I didn’t have the time or patience to get a stain out. I tossed my hat and keys on the small table I kept by the front door, so I would remember to grab them on my way out in the morning. I could hear the couple who lived in the unit on the left side of my apartment fighting about something. It was all they ever did. They were either yelling because they were pissed at each other or screaming because they were having vigorous rounds of make-up sex. I was super glad my miniscule bedroom was on the other side of the apartment. Whomever had moved into the vacant apartment on the right side of mine was as quiet as a mouse. I only knew I had a new neighbor was because I could hear the pipes groaning when they took a shower, and occasionally something smelled really good through the vents when they were cooking.
I was glad that there were no sounds of rowdy sex coming from that side of the building. My bed was pushed up against the wall and it had been longer than I cared to admit since there had been anyone but me between the sheets. If I had to listen to someone else getting some while I was in the middle of the world’s longest dry spell, it would be nothing short of torture. I wasn’t lying when I told Lester I didn’t have time for much of anything anymore. Between my job, working out, online classes to get certified as a legit mechanic, and fighting on the weekends in the Pit so I could pay for my mom’s care, I was stretched so fucking thin I wondered if you could see my veins and heart beating through my skin. At twenty-five, I knew I should be living it up and having the time of my life, but I wasn’t doing either of those things. No, I was barely holding my shit together and it felt like any little thing that went awry had the ability to make me break.
Which was why it was a bad idea to be so curious about the redhead and her kid.
I couldn’t stop myself from wondering why someone who so clearly came from somewhere else ended up in my neck of the woods. I was curious about the kid, as well. They looked enough alike with their matching sky-blue eyes and freckles, there was no question the ebony-haired toddler belonged to the tall redhead. There was something about the way she fiercely protected the little girl that screamed motherly concern. She’d been in such a hurry to get away from Skinner that I hadn’t managed to catch her name, not that I could blame her for scurrying away. Still, a thank you would have been nice. After all, I did find the time to be her hero, even if it was a one-off occurrence.
I sighed, getting a bottle of water and a slice of cold pizza out of my fridge. I plopped down on the couch, kicked my feet up and fell asleep with my snack in hand before I took the first bite. I could throw down with men twice my size, even those who fought dirty, but there was no battling the exhaustion that pulled me under each and every night.
Orley
I struggled to find answers the next day when my daughter asked why I wasn’t going to work like normal, and why she wasn’t going to stay with Mrs. Sanchez. I’d disrupted her life so much already, I hated that I was forced to do it all over again. It was my job to provide her with a sense of normalcy and security, and since we’d been on our own, I’d failed spectacularly at both. I was fortunate Noble was such an easygoing child. She made things far easier on me than I deserved. She even stopped asking where Grandma and Grandpa were, which I couldn’t be more thankful for. I didn’t want to lie to her, to set a precedent of dishonesty, but the truth was even harder to try and figure out when I had to explain it to a toddler.
I kept her occupied most of the morning by playing games and letting her help make breakfast. I set her down in front of my used laptop with an annoying cartoon movie while I called around, trying to find someone to look at my car for a price that didn’t make me cringe. Getting it towed to a garage was going to cost more than I was willing to spend, and it was starting to look like I might just have to give the thing to a junkyard and take a few hundred bucks when they scrapped it. I half-heartedly scrolled through job listings on Craigslist and any other site I could think of, but all it did was depress me. The pickings were slim, and anything that seemed promising had hours that wouldn’t work for a single parent. I wanted to keep us fed and keep the lights on, but I also wanted to spend time with my daughter. I didn’t want to miss a minute of her growing up. It was a treacherous balancing act for me. These formative years were precious, and I refused to give them up.
As usual, I wanted to hit my head against the wall and scream in rage and frustration when I thought back on the recent events that landed me in this awful place. Every day I felt like this new normal was bound to eat us alive. Things hadn’t always been this difficult or complicated. There was a time, not too long ago, where I never once worried about the future, never gave a second thought to how I was going to provide for myself and my child. Those days felt more like a dream now that the harshness of my reality was so difficult to escape.
I looked up from my phone and watched as Noble did a little twirl and belted out the wrong words to the song squeaking from the overtaxed speakers on the laptop. She was adorable, and even though I was struggling to find something to be cheerful about, she effortlessly put a smile on my face. She always did. No matter how badly I screwed up, or how hard things were, she was a delight and the one thing in my life I knew I got absolutely right. She was the only reckless choice I didn’t regret.
Noble clapped her hands and wiggled her tiny hips with such exaggeration I couldn’t hold back a laugh. The sound brought Noble’s head around and she smiled at me, bright eyes gleaming. She ran across the space separating us, grabbed one of my hands in hers, and pulled me toward the living room where the movie was still playing.
“Dance with me, Mommy.” The words came out in an excited rush, tumbling over one another. She wiggled again, arms swinging and feet stomping on the floor. The walls in this apartment were super thin, and I was sure her impromptu dance party was going to annoy the neighbors, but I had a hard time denying her anything when she looked up at me like I hung the moon and stars. I dreaded the day she realized I was the one who stole all the beauty and ease from her life.
I held her hand as she spun around until she was dizzy. She collapsed in a giggling heap on the floor at my feet. I bent down and dropped a kiss on the top of her head, my heart swelling with love and gratitude. I didn’t have much anymore, but I had this little girl, and really, she was more than enough. She was everything.
I rubbed my thumb over her cheek and gave her a genuine smile. “Mommy has to go check on the car.” It would be a miracle if it was still there. But on the off-chance it was, I needed to clean it out if I was going to send it off to an early grave. There were things in the car I couldn’t afford to replace right now, like Noble’s car seat. “Want to go for a little walk with me?” I was going to have to find a replacement for Mrs. Sanchez sooner rather than later. I didn’t want Noble out on the streets any more than necessary. Especially not after last night. I needed someone reliable to keep an eye on her for me.