Something flickered in his eyes before he looked away. His jaw tightened as he eyed the door and, just as I was contemplating barricading it closed with my body, he pulled me to him, his mouth finding mine.
He kissed me like he was trying to consume me, like he was making up for a half a year’s worth of missed moments, and like he was done fighting what I knew was a useless fight.
Cradling my face in his hands, he kissed me harder, so hard I couldn’t breathe, but if kissing like this required breathlessness, I was giving up oxygen for good. The moment consumed me, encapsulating me in nothing but the here and now. The past, the lies, the pain, nothing could break through the world we were creating right now. I didn’t want it to.
Tugging his shirt free, I pulled it over his back and tossed it on the floor. It was the first time he’d ever let me take his shirt off, but my hands against his skin weren’t enough. I wanted the rest of him against the rest of me.
Right before I was about to, Jude slipped his hands beneath my nightgown, tugging it up over my stomach, my br**sts, and then my head. His eyes roamed over me, inspecting my body like he was committing every line and dip and curve to memory. I knew it should have been uncomfortable, sitting na**d and exposed in front of a man who’d seen his share of women and could have his pick of any of them, but there was no way to feel insecure with the way he was looking at me.
He smiled at me when his eyes made the final journey to mine. His eyes muted silver, his breaths short, his body ready. I knew I’d never want anyone else like I wanted him.
“Jude,” I said, “I—”
The last two words got lost as his mouth crushed into mine, his hands digging into my h*ps right before flipping me back onto the bed. The warmth of his skin warmed mine, creating a sheen of sweat between us. His mouth moved to my neck, his hands to my br**sts, and I felt close to falling over the edge of the world. But I still wanted more, I needed more.
I was so ready for him I could feel it all the way down to my toes.
Sliding my hands between us, I grabbed his pants, tugging on the button of his jeans. It snapped free and I slid my hand inside. He moaned, his forehead leaning into mine as his body moved against mine. Sliding my hand out, I rocked my h*ps up toward him. Another sound escaped him, “Damn it,” he moaned right before his mouth fell over mine again. His tongue parted my lips, touching the tip of mine, as his fingers slipped beneath my panties. He slid them off in one seamless move, his tongue never leaving my mouth.
I was in another world. A world that was foreign and a world I wanted to make my home. It was passionate and there was heat. The kind that went so deep you absorbed it. The kind that went so deep it became a part of you.
I was so close to losing everything that was balling up inside me, I knew I couldn’t hold on much longer with the way he was touching me. With the way he was consuming me.
Now, totally naked, I wrapped my legs around him, arching my h*ps against his, rocking up and down. His breathing stopped as every muscle in his body tensed to the surface.
“Not like this,” he breathed, punching the pillow behind me.
Everything inside me screamed. “Not like what?” I said between ragged breaths, leaving my legs around him. I wasn’t giving up when we were this close.
He closed his eyes. “Not right after you were almost raped by Sawyer Diamond,” he said, leaning back.
His skin no longer pressed against mine, a cold crept up me almost immediately. “Jude, I’m fine,” I said, leaning up on my elbows, not ready to let the moment go.
Shifting his legs off the bed, he hunched down. “But I’m not.”
“Why?”
He washed his hands over his face. “Because this is all kinds of wrong right now.”
That one hurt. “It didn’t feel wrong to me,” I said, trying not to think about the fact that I was probably the only woman the legendary Jude Ryder wouldn’t go all the way with.
Retrieving my gown from the floor, he held it out for me, keeping his eyes down. “That’s the thing. It didn’t feel wrong to me either,” he said as I snatched the gown from his hand. I wanted to chuck it across the room to prove a point, but pulled it on instead. “That’s how I know it was.”
“Could we save the mind benders for the morning?” I said, sticking my arms through the gown. “I’m running a little low on comprehension right now.”
“I’m doing a shit job of explaining myself,” he said, tugging on his hat, quiet for a minute. “My notion of right and wrong is so messed up, Luce, that my wrong is everyone else’s right. And my right is everyone’s wrong.”
I wanted to wrap my arms around him and comfort whatever turmoil he was experiencing, but I still felt a bit too shunned for that. “So you’re saying because what we were just doing felt right to you, it must be the wrong thing?” This was every definition of confusing.
He nodded, looking over at me. “I need a right and wrong recalibration, Luce, and until I’m able to get my shit figured out, I need to be careful with you.”
I flopped back down on the bed, covering my head with a pillow. “Careful was not what I had in mind for tonight,” I whined, my voice muffled.
“I know,” he said, rubbing my leg. “But it’s the right thing to do.”
Lifting the pillow, I lifted a brow. “Jude’s right or everyone else’s?” I asked with an innocent smile.
My snark had no effect on him. “I’m not sure,” he said, “and I need to be before we finish . . .” he glanced at the bed meaningfully, “doing what we were doing.”