And he does.
And oh my god.
Oh my god.
The Most Embarrassing Moment in the Entire Universe. Ever.
The day of regionals, I wake up grinning about last night.
Levi didn’t leave much of my body unkissed.
I am very excited about the possibility of doing that with him again. It feels like an addiction. I lie in bed thinking about it, about him, and what it would be like to return the favor and kiss him everywhere, until Dad starts pounding on my door, yelling at me to get up and get dressed already.
The swim meet is taking place in Murfreesboro, which is about half an hour from Franklin. Levi’s mom is in New York for a Jesse Scott concert, and my parents are catering a fiftieth wedding anniversary luncheon, so Oma and Opa drive us. Levi and I sit in the backseat of their Stone Age station wagon, listening to his grandparents bicker.
“I told you you should’ve taken I-40, not 24,” Oma complains.
“I like 24,” Opa argues. “The views are better.”
“There’s too much traffic!”
“Oma, c’mon,” Levi says. “We only had to wait behind two cars to get on the interstate.”
Opa swerves into the next lane, narrowly missing a semi.
Levi groans. “If I’d wanted to see my life pass before my eyes, I would’ve caught a ride with Maggie.”
“Hey! That’s not nice.”
“But it’s true.”
I playfully cross my arms. “Harumph.”
“I have no idea why you put up with my grandson,” Oma says to me.
Levi raises his eyebrows and gives me a naughty little smile. He leans over and whispers, “You put up with me because I would wear Superman underwear for you, right?”
“Shut up,” I hiss, glancing at Oma and Opa, but once I make sure his grandparents didn’t hear him, I smile like crazy. Levi grins at that, and reaches over to give my hand a quick squeeze. He leaves his hand on my thigh, caressing it.
We arrive at the Middle Tennessee State University natatorium and head straight to the locker rooms to shower and put on our red Hundred Oaks sweats and swim caps. I spend some time stretching, doing jumping jacks, and swimming a few laps in the practice pool to loosen up before prelims.
When the announcer calls my name, I walk out onto the pool deck, waving at the cheering crowd. I’m feeling really good today.
First up is 200-yard free. After taking off my sweats and tennis shoes, I shake out my arms, kick my legs, and take a few practice strokes on dry land. I make sure my goggles are in place. Right before the start, Coach calls out to me, “Maggie! Strong and steady.”
Nodding at him, I step up to the blocks. The buzzer sounds. I dive in—quick off the block—and dolphin kick three times, gliding through the water at a brisk pace. I pay no attention to what’s happening to my right or left. It’s just me and the water. My muscles feel good, like I could go even faster if I want to, but Coach’s voice sounds in my mind: Strong and steady.
At the end of my final lap, I touch the wall with both hands and pop up to check my time on the scoreboard. Oh my god. I had a personal best today! 1:43.15! It’s not Olympic-level, but it’s great for me in free. I climb out of the pool and throw myself at Coach for a hug.
“Now that’s what I’m talking about,” Coach Josh says.
I leave his arms and rush to Levi. He embraces me, then we jump around a little, celebrating.
“Let’s hope your time rubs off on mine,” he says.
I wave a hand. “You got this.”
But his prelims for 100 and 200 breast don’t go so well; his times are second to Jason’s, which is pretty much unheard of for him. It’s not the end of the world. He’ll still be placed in the A finals, and a second or third place win later today would guarantee him a spot at state.
When he climbs out of the pool after his second prelim, though, he’s pissed. He grabs his sweats and tennis shoes, and stalks away, dripping water across the deck. I give him a minute in case he needs to be alone, then join him in a hallway, which is lined with pictures of champion swimmers. He’s still having difficulties breathing. His goggles dangle from his hand.
“You okay?” I whisper. “Are you hurt? Are your glutes tight again?”
He rubs his forehead. “I’m just not doing my best today.”
“You tired? Need a protein bar?”
“I’m a little antsy. I can’t get relaxed.”
“Why?”
He shakes out his shoulders. “I guess I’m a little horny.”
I blanch at his bluntness. “You mean…?”
“I haven’t done it in a while.”
“Oh yeah? Why not?”
He shrugs a little. “You and I have been fooling around. I guess it didn’t feel right to do that to you.”
I never said he couldn’t hook up with someone else. I open my mouth to say this, but it doesn’t quite feel true. The idea of him with another girl deflates me like a balloon.
Levi and I have time before our finals. It’s not like my parents are here. I glance up into the stands. Oma and Opa are squinting at a crossword puzzle together. Coach Josh is talking with my club teammate, Susannah, who I competed against in free earlier. No one’s paying attention to us right now. It would be easy to steer him under the bleachers and stroke him with my hands. I could sink to my knees, free him from his swimsuit, and go down on him. The naughty vision makes my skin feel electric and prickly hot. I suddenly need to fan myself.
I turn back to Levi. “I can help you. You know, if you want.”
He leans against the wall. “I don’t want to use you like that, Magpie.”
He’s teaching me how to hook up. If that’s not me using him, I don’t know what is.
I chew on my fingernail, worried I’m taking advantage of my friend. But I mean, he gets something out of it too, right? We’ve been having a great time together.
But it was just supposed to be a good time. Me learning some stuff. It wasn’t supposed to be me affecting his swim routine. I wasn’t supposed to be jealous of him doing other girls. This is messed up.
“If you need to hook up with somebody to take the edge off,” I tell him quietly, “I wish you would.”
He gives me a long look. Then he rubs the back of his neck. “I can take care of it myself,” he says, and leaves me standing there in the empty hallway. Alone.
Why does our relationship suddenly feel like a multiple-choice test where none of the answers are right?
• • •
Mom keeps a grocery list on the fridge.
If I need something, I add it to the list and she gets it for me. Toothpaste, body wash, mascara, lotion.
Somehow, though, I think she’d give me the third degree if I were to write condoms.
So one afternoon after weight lifting, I walk down the street to King’s Royal Engagements to borrow Mom’s car. I tell her I’m going to the public library for a book they don’t have at school.
She stops typing on her computer and turns to stare at me. “You’re driving yourself to the library?”
“Yeah,” I croak.
“I’m surprised you didn’t have Levi take you before he went home.”
“I forgot. So can I borrow the car?”
Mom fishes her keys out of her purse, passing them to me. “What book do you need from the library that they don’t have at the school?”
“Oh, um, it’s for a paper on snapping turtles,” I lie.
“Snapping turtles?”
I cough. “Yeah.”
“And you can’t look it up on the Internet?”
“Mr. Robinson says we can’t use any online sources.”
Mom doesn’t believe one word I’m saying. God, why did I think this would be a good idea?
She passes her keys to me. “Be careful, Tadpole.”
I call “Thanks!” over my shoulder and hustle through the front door to the parking lot.
Once I’m in the driver’s seat, I buckle up and adjust my mirrors, and with a deep breath, I start the ignition. Driving to the grocery store seems like a big risk in order to buy condoms, especially since there’s no guarantee I’ll be having sex. But safe sex is important. Coach Woods said it’s crucial to always be prepared. I’m sure Levi has condoms, but girls should have their own supply too.