“For a swim.”
“Jade . . .”
The sun. The ocean. The current. It’s all a danger to her, and I know that feeling. But today, I’m not letting it keep me from the things I want to do and the people I want to be with.
Torrin’s already disappeared into the waves before I make it to the dark line where the wet sand starts and the dry sand ends. I feel strange in my old swimsuit. It kind of sags around my butt and puckers where I used to have this great part of the female anatomy known as boobs, but it still fits. Mostly.
When I reach the edge of the water, the first wave that crashes around my ankles sends ice into my veins. The Pacific at this latitude is so cold that most people prefer to watch it from the beach rather than swim in it.
I give myself a moment to adjust, then I walk out a little farther. Torrin’s making his way back now that he’s noticed me. His expression has cleared, but his eyes are still clouded by something. I think I know what it is since he doesn’t seem to have an issue with looking at me the way I was looking at him behind my dark glasses.
I want to shift in place and cover myself, but I don’t. If he wants to check me out like I’m still the seventeen-year-old who spilled out of her suit instead of swimming in it like I am now, I’m going to let him.
“I always loved that suit.” His arms stroke through the water.
“Yeah, I remember.”
He gets that look on his face like he’s remembering too.
“I feel like an eight-year-old in it now.” When I glance down at myself, all I see are flat planes and bony joints.
Torrin shakes his head, swimming closer. His wet hair plasters across his forehead. “You look good. Believe me.”
I clear my throat, and this time, I do shift. “I look like a deflated balloon. All limp and saggy and sad looking.”
Torrin makes a face and squirts a stream of ocean water at me. “You are fluent in the language of crazy, you know that?”
“I’m not the only one.”
He huffs, swimming closer as a wave catches him. “Whatever. You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”
I shift again, then he stands up in the waist-deep water. Seeing his back from a distance had been enough to make whatever had gone into hibernation in that region below my stomach stir. Seeing him so close, facing me, ocean water falling down the lines and ridges that had just been developing the last time I touched them fans that stirring feeling inside. The softness of boyhood has been ironed out by the harder, rougher planes of manhood.
“You’re checking me out, aren’t you?” He grins, and I swear he intentionally makes his stomach muscles tighten beneath the skin.
“I am not checking you out. I’m just examining. Making sure you don’t have any jellyfish or sharks hanging off of you.”
His smile spreads. “Whatever. You’re totally checking me out, but that’s okay because I’m totally checking you out.”
I wade out a little deeper because I need more of my body hidden. That flicker of a spark has grown into something that’s spreading. “Are people in your profession allowed to ‘check out’ others?”
Torrin’s shoulder lifts. Water rolls off the triangle carved into the top of his shoulders and trickles down his chest. “Not sure. That’s another one of those gray areas I’m happy to leave open to interpretation.”
I step out deeper until the waves are crashing across the bottoms of my thighs. My legs from my knees down have gone numb. “Thanks for sticking up for me back there.”
“I was just saying what you were too nice to.”
I wade out a little farther until the water’s breaking across my stomach. We’re in the same spot in the water, but I keep some space between us because I have to. I don’t trust myself to be too close with the way my body’s responding to his right now.
I feel something swirl at my ankle, then it grabs me. I’m sucked under instantly as the undercurrent slams me to the ocean bottom and tumbles me around. It’s happened before, so I don’t panic. I know that once it’s done with me, it will let me go. Once it’s twirled me around a few times, it will leave me alone.
I can feel it starting to lose momentum when two arms brace around me and break me free. When we pop through the surface, Torrin spins me around, terror drawing up his expression.
“Are you okay?” He holds me with one hand, inspecting me with the other like he’s going to find an elbow or organ missing.
I’m totally wet. I feel ocean water draining out of my ears and nose. My hair feels like a cyclone just had its way with it, and I know my skin’s red and blotchy from the sand exfoliation treatment I just received free of charge.
I laugh. This is what alive feels like. I remember.
It’s adrenaline pulsing so hard in my veins they feel about to burst. It’s feelings that twist my stomach into knots. It’s feeling so cold my body goes numb and so attracted to someone my body feels the opposite of numb.
This is it. Living. I can almost feel the blood warm in my veins as it starts to run again.
“Why are you laughing?” Torrin’s face flashes with relief when he sees I’m okay, but he doesn’t let go of me.
On the beach, my parents slowly make their way back to the beach blankets once they’ve seen I’m okay.
“That was fun.” I rub my stomach because it hurts. From the laughter. I’d forgotten stomachs could hurt from laughing.