It’s dinnertime, and the smells of prime rib and garlic have been rolling from the kitchen since this afternoon. It used to be my favorite meal: red meat, garlic mashed potatoes, and sautéed green beans. From the smells alone, I know it’s not my favorite anymore.
My brother and sister are supposed to come here, and Mom’s even set the fancy china on the table. The good wine’s been pulled out, and Dad has on his tweed blazer. The meal has the feel of a celebration, but my heart isn’t in it.
I know it should be, but that doesn’t change that it isn’t.
For my family’s sake, I’ll pretend to celebrate with them. They deserve their celebration, and maybe one day, once I manage to un-mess up myself, I’ll be able to join in.
“Do you need any help, Mom?” I call into the kitchen from my perch at the front window. The sheer curtains have been drawn, but I can still see outside. The media circus hasn’t shrunk in the eight hours since I arrived; it’s gotten bigger. Now big floodlights extend from the top of news trucks. Some of the stations are familiar local channels, some aren’t, and some of the bigger trucks have national stations stamped on their sides.
“No, sweetie, you just relax. It will be ready in five.”
She’s been telling me to rest all day, but I’ve spent the past ten years resting. Besides, I’ve got too much nervous energy to relax. I need something to keep my hands and mind busy.
“What would you like to drink, Jade?” Dad calls from the kitchen.
It’s a strange place to find him. Dad used to spend the hour leading up to dinner in his chair, watching the evening news.
I can guess why he doesn’t keep that tradition anymore though.
“Water, please,” I say.
“I picked up some of your favorite kind of soda.”
“Water’s good.” I haven’t had a soda in ten years. It would probably tear my stomach apart now.
“Why don’t you take a seat, Jade? Sam and Connor will be here any minute.”
I turn away from the window. The cameras are still firing. Not as much, but they’re still going off. “Where do you want me?”
“In your usual seat,” Mom says as she settles a glass bowl of mashed potatoes on the table.
I stare at the table. I can’t remember where my usual seat was. I know it was close to my dad, but was it to the right or the left of him?
Mom catches me staring and pulls out the chair to the right of my dad. “Here you go.”
I take a seat and wait. It’s so quiet in the house now. Without Connor’s alternative music blasting from his room and Sam and her friends giggling behind her bedroom door and Mom’s jazz streaming from the kitchen and Dad’s nightly news echoing from the living room, it’s silent.
Now that I’m home, my parents seem to have no idea what to say to me. I don’t exactly know what to say to them either.
“Look at this beauty,” Dad trumpets as he carries in a huge roast.
He sets it right in front of me, and I have to scoot my chair back from the smell. It’s almost offensive now. The pools of red-stained grease below the meat have me squirming in my seat.
Outside, the noise level rises right before the front door explodes open. Connor wanders into the living room first, looking a little shocked, but his face clears when he sees me.
“Hey, Jade.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets and takes a seat in what I guess is his usual seat. I can’t remember that either.
For a brief moment, I look around, wondering who Connor’s talking to. I catch myself right after. Me. I’m Jade. I spent ten years being called by a different name, but still—searching the room for a Jade when I was born with that name and was probably called it dozens of times every day for seventeen years?
I don’t need another confirmation that transitioning into normal life is impossible for someone like me. I’ve had enough of those already.
Dad claps Connor on the back and heads toward the front door. I hear hushed whispers that sound like Sam and Dad are arguing about something.
I’m sure that something has to do with me.
Dad comes back into the dining room first, his brows drawn in a hard line. Sam follows a minute later. She doesn’t look at me at first. Like yesterday at the hospital, she looks totally put-together, like nothing could touch the shine on her shoes or wrinkle the silk of her dress.
“Hi, Jade.” Her voice is stilted, but she finally looks at me. For a second.
I’ve changed into one of my old outfits Mom brought down for me earlier, but everything’s too big now. So she pulled out an outfit of hers and let me try that on. I feel strange wearing my mom’s khaki trousers and cashmere sweater, and I must look it by the way Connor’s staring at me.
Actually, it isn’t my clothes he’s staring at.
“What happened to your neck?” he asks, studying the fresh bandages.
I’m about to answer him when Mom comes in carrying the green beans. “Connor.” She shakes her head.
Just like that, he looks away and takes a drink of his water.
“It’s from a metal collar I wore. Sometimes it would dig into my skin and make me bleed. I bled a lot the day they came to get me.” I don’t realize everyone’s gaping at me until I look around the table. Well, Sam’s the only one gaping. Everyone else is just kind of wide-eyed.
“Who’s ready to eat?” Mom’s voice rings through the room, and everyone except me nods.