“Well, fuck.” She beat me to my own I block the shots on the ice, but I score all the goals here.
“Get over here, Romeo,” Felicity calls in mock exasperation. “My bratwurst needs to mortify you.”
“In a minute,” I tell Felicity, but suddenly my pants are tight around the middle and I’m two feet higher in the air than I was a minute ago, feet dangling just like Tiger’s.
“Now,” Ares says from behind me, where he’s lifted me by my waistband.
I shrug at Kami while I squirm in my pants.
Not the first time Ares has tried to give me a wedgie, and it won’t be the last.
Mom’s leading Sugarbear over on her leash. “Here you go, sweetheart,” she says to me. She licks her thumb and rubs at a spot on my chin. “Oh, you cut yourself. Hold on.”
“Mom—”
I try to duck her second attempt, but Ares grabs me by the shoulders and holds tight while my mother licks her other thumb and rubs my chin again.
“There. Now it won’t show on camera.”
“Wow, Murphy, your mom is hot,” Thrusty the Bratwurst says, courtesy of my ventriloquist sister. “Think she’d lick my chin next?”
“Oh, hush,” Mom tells Felicity, but she’s blushing, and she tries to smooth her hair down. She skitters out of the way, lavender track pants swooshing.
“Come back, Mrs. Murphy,” Thrusty calls. “We want to hear about how excited you are to be a grandma to a cow!”
“She’s such a good grandmoo,” Felicity vents in a dopey cow voice.
I choke on a snicker and try to glare at her. “Really? That’s your cow voice? Sugarbear sounds way more intelligent than that.”
“Says the guy with the hairless face,” she replies as Loki, her pet monkey, who adds an indignant shriek behind me.
Because the monkey’s sitting on the cow’s back, and they’re both giving me twin looks of who’s the dumbass?
“What happened to your beard, Murphy?” Thrusty asks before I can interject a single word, because that’s how Felicity rolls.
She’s fucking hilarious, and I know she’s improvising every word out of her mouth.
“My cow sneezed and it fell off,” I tell Thrusty.
“Weak-ass whiskers,” Thrusty says.
“Strong-ass sneeze,” I reply. “She would’ve blown you all the way to Kentucky.”
Loki screeches like he’s laughing, and Sugarbear moos.
“You think shaving’s gonna improve your game?” Thrusty asks.
Felicity’s not being mean. It’s just what everyone wants to know.
“Nope, but I’ll tell you what will.”
The bratwurst leans in conspiratorially. “You got a plan, Murphy?”
“Fetch,” I tell it.
“With the cow?”
“Sugarbear. And you know what she likes?”
Thrusty suddenly flies to Felicity’s other side. “Bratwurst?” he says sarcastically.
I shrug. “I was going to say me, but sure. I’ll bet she likes playing fetch with bratwurst too.”
Kami’s giggling, and fuck if the sight of her happy doesn’t put a spring in my heart.
Is Lavoie right? Is this what love’s like? Because I’d give my right nut to keep her smiling like this every day.
I look back at Felicity, and I see something I haven’t ever seen before.
At least, not directed at me.
It’s happiness.
Not that I don’t make my sister happy—we snipe at each other, yeah, and I get why she doesn’t want me dating one of her best friends—but this is a different kind of happy.
It’s an I’m happy for you smile.
An I’m happy for you smile that disappears as fast as I caught it.
“If the cow likes you, she must not have any better options,” Felicity quips as Thrusty.
“He’s a package deal,” Sugarbear replies. “I get Felicity too. She’s moooootiful.”
“Can we back up a minute?” Felicity says as herself. “Sugarbear, how did you end up moving—I mean, moooooving in with Nick?”
“She was a gift,” I say quickly, because I know Felicity too well to let her answer that as herself, or as Thrusty, or as Sugarbear, and especially as Loki.
“Someone likes you that much?” Thrusty asks.
“They didn’t know I have a thing for cows.”
Felicity’s eyes take on a spark, and fuck.
I’m going to be getting cow shit for years. Possibly actual cow shit. Which I’ll still save for use against Zeus Berger just when he’s starting to get comfortable.
“When you say you have a thing for cows…” Felicity says as Loki, who’s now climbing onto my shoulder and picking at my hair.
“They’re cute.” If I’m going to dig a hole, might as well dig it deep. I rub Sugarbear’s snout. “Who wouldn’t love this sweet face?”
And I do like the cow. She’s a really good substitute for a dog.
“You heard him, ladies. Nick Murphy likes cows.” Thrusty grins at me, which is disconcerting regardless of the number of times I’ve done interviews with the puppet since Felicity started with the Thrusters last year, because a sausage with a rocket pack coming out its ass should be disconcerting. “The cuter the better. Think maybe you need a stuffed cow to fit inside your pads next time you start, Murphy?”
“Got a nice warm spot in my armpit just the right size for a bratwurst,” I reply.
“You have issues, dude,” Loki says.
I probably do.
But Kami’s bent over with her face stuffed in the sleeve of her jacket, trying not to laugh, and I suddenly don’t care if I get a thousand stuffed cows sent to me at the arena.
Kami likes me again.
I don’t know where I’m taking her Tuesday night, but it’ll damn sure be somewhere spectacular.
I’m not about to fuck this up again.
Twenty-Six
Kami
There’s nothing like a real first date to inspire yet another case of the butterflies.
Or possibly I mean a case of the hummingbirds, because those suckers can really beat the air, and they’re vicious when they fight, and I’m pretty sure all those nerves in my stomach are dueling right now, because I might be close to throwing up.
It’s not that I don’t want to go on a real date with Nick.
It’s more that I’m terrified we’ll actually start dating, for real, and then one of us will spend the whole night sleeping over with the other, and he’ll snore, or I’ll talk in my sleep. Or we’ll try to cook a meal together and he’ll insist it’s the man’s job to grill and he’ll end up burning everything and we’ll order pizza instead and he’ll forget about the mushrooms again. Or I’ll ask if we can watch one of those new romantic comedies on Netflix, and he’ll pretend he didn’t hear me and put on some movie about hockey players who go to war in space, and then all the magic will be ruined and I’ll realize I should’ve just gone along with Maren when she suggested we get sperm donors and make our own commune.
My phone dings, and I unplug it and grab it off my dresser while Dixie and Tiger race circles around me.
It’s Muffy.
And the six texts that follow tell me she’s made friends with my friends, and she’s pulling them into this conversation.
Muffy: Kami, where’s he taking you? Don’t say to the zoo. That’s so stereotypical for a guy to think a vet must want to go to the zoo. Unless he finagled a private tour so you get to pet the tigers.
Alina: Pretty sure there will be tiger petting going on tonight.
Muffy: Yeah, I want details on THAT too.
Maren: Oh, yuck.
Felicity: Why am I in this conversation?
Muffy: Because you can tell us what Nick’s present today meant.
Felicity: What did he send now?
Muffy: I don’t know, but I bet it was thirty of something REALLY good.
Kami: He sent thirty keys. I don’t get it.
Muffy: Oh my god. He bought you thirty cars!
Kami: No, they look like house keys. Mostly. A few look like they go to padlocks.
Alina: You mean handcuffs?
Felicity: You know every time I think of my brother using handcuffs and petting…I can’t even type it, my blood pressure goes up, and that’s really bad for the baby.
Maren: Nice try, but your baby is half Berger. It’ll be fine. Your cooch after birth though…
Muffy: How big was Ares when he was born?
Felicity: This is why there are drugs and vaginal reconstruction, but I’m sure everything will go back to normal just like it’s supposed to. Except maybe with floppy boobs and a layer of belly fat I can’t shake. Kami, I have no idea why Nick sent you keys, but feel free to rack him in the nuts if he tries anything that would make me demand brain bleach. He needs to woo the shit out of you. Woo. The shit. Out of you.
Alina: Uh, is this Felicity, or did Zeus get hold of your phone?
Felicity: Dammit. It’s the Berger effect. I’m carrying Berger spawn, and he-she is infecting me with Zeus thoughts. I’M SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING ARES THOUGHTS. Ares thoughts would be so much nicer than Zeus thoughts. Whatever Nick’s planning for vengeance against Zeus for that cow, he better triple it on my behalf.
Kami: I promise I will NOT tell him that tonight.
Maren: Thank you.
Alina: On behalf of all of Thruster Nation, I second that. Thank you.
Muffy: Does anyone else think it’s funny that it’s called Thruster Nation? No? Just me? My mom’s giggling. She thinks it’s funny.
Muffy: Oh my god. I’m turning into my mother.
Felicity: Kami, I sincerely hope my brother realizes how much he doesn’t deserve you and how hard he’s going to have to work to earn you, because you would make the best sister-in-law, and I’m not saying that just because you perfected vegan brownies last winter. Which sound delicious, by the way, and you can send a pan or three my way anytime you want to. Also, I know Nick can be an ass, but I honestly believe he could be a really good boyfriend if he put half as much effort into a woman as he puts into looking good.