Stella reaches out and takes Impatient's hand. "I'll go with you. Let's go get Papa."
After Keller sets their suitcase on the floor next to my dresser, he turns to look at me and his expression is blank, like he's trying to wipe away the sadness, but he can't decide what emotion to replace it with. My heart aches for him. I know how hard it is to be here, in the presence of her ghost. I've dealt with it for months now. I'm learning to live with it. It takes time. And he hasn't had to contend with proximity. And proximity's just set him back months. I can see it happening. So I do the only thing can think to do. I hug him. And he hugs me back. It's half-hearted at first, but soon enough I can feel his muscles tighten around me. The squeezing isn't an embrace; it's a release of emotion, a release of grief. I pat him on the back. "Sorry about that, dude. Scout doesn't know what happened in that room. She didn't mean anything by it."
I feel him exhale, long and loud, before he releases me. He shakes his head to clear it. "No, I'm sorry, Gus. I thought I was ready to come here. That I'd be able to handle it." He pauses and looks at the floor before he meets my eyes again. I know how much he loved her. He's reliving all of it right now. He shakes his head again. "It's just hard." He searches my eyes for understanding.
I nod. "You don't have to explain, dude. I know. It is hard."
He smiles. "Thanks, man. Let's go. Katie would want us to make the most of today."
I laugh. "Bright Side fucking loved Thanksgiving. I hope you're prepared to eat double portions of pumpkin pie just for her."
He laughs and rubs his belly. "I think I can do that. I haven't eaten anything since last night."
The dinner table is full of food and people. Our Thanksgiving table is always a hodgepodge of misfits. And that's not an insult; it's just a fair assessment. Ma always invites people to join in on the festivities who don't have anywhere else to go. Her generosity is legendary. It's never the same faces from year to year, which is what makes it fun. You never know who you're going to sit next to, or what the conversation is going to be like. Today's table is twice as full as it normally is.
Keller and I take the two empty seats at the end of the table.
Ma's standing at the other end, smiling at all of us. "We're waiting on one more person, but he's just called to say his flight's been cancelled due to weather and he's not going to make it, so we'll go ahead and get started without him. I want to thank all of you for sharing your Thanksgiving with Gus and me. We are so blessed to have you here." She raises her glass. "To good food and good company." We all raise our glasses and echo her. She smiles. "Now eat up. Scout and I have been cooking all day, there's a lot to eat. Don't be shy."
We do. We eat and we talk. The volume in the room is high with several conversations going on at once, but it's comforting noise, rowdy with friendship and appreciation. As I look around the table, I'm struck by the odd pairings of people. Impatient's sitting next to Doc Banks. They're talking about New York. Pax, Keller, and Stella are talking to Mrs. Randolph and Francine about seagulls, and about how much Mrs. Randolph loves watching them fly over the ocean. Ma catches my eye and smiles, then winks at me. She raises her glass of wine to me. I raise mine in return.
"Happy Thanksgiving. I love you," I mouth the words.
She mouths the same back to me.
Looking around I think to myself that life isn't perfect. If it was, Bright Side and Gracie would be sitting here with us. But I know that's not possible. And for the first time, I realize that I finally know why Bright Side used to always say she didn't have any regrets. Because she lived in the moment. She didn't live in the past. She didn't give herself a chance to regret anything because she went out and made the most of what she had, even if it wasn't much. She never saw the negative, which so often pervaded her life. She looked for that one sliver of positivity and she blew it up until it was all she could see. Until it forced out everything bad. Right now, sitting here, I miss her. I'll always miss her. But I miss her in a different way today. In a way that makes me smile at the memory of her. I glance at my arm, at my new tattoo, and the words sink in. There's something epic that happens every day if you look hard enough for it. And every day is a chance to go out there and do epic. The key is putting forth the effort. She did. Every fucking day she did. We all should. Is it harder? Hell yeah. It's much easier to complain ... or self-destruct ... or do nothing at all. But where's the magic in that? It's like Mrs. Randolph said, urging me to find my fire again. Mrs. R. and Bright Side would've been best friends, I'm sure of it.
As I look at everyone at this table I think, they all have their own shit, their own problems, just like me. But look how happy they all are, because they're living in the moment. It's fucking beautiful. This is what it's all about. Friends and family. And I have the best around.
Friday, December 1
(Gus)
Keller and I are sitting in lawn chairs on the beach watching Stella play in the sand with Impatient and Pax. The sun's bright overhead, but there's a light breeze that puts a chill in the air.
"How are you gonna get Stella clean, dude? She's wearing a good three buckets of sand. And that's just in her hair." We've been outside for the past three hours and she's having the time of her life. Keller and I just tapped out of the sandcastle making marathon to sit down and rest when Impatient and Pax came out to play with her.
He's shaking his head. "I have no idea. I guess we'll cross that bridge when it's time to go inside. Maybe I'll take her out in the water with her clothes on and hope it all washes away. Or I'll hold her upside down by the ankles and let gravity do the work." He's smiling by the time he's done talking, because he can't do anything else when it comes to Stella. She has him, and everyone else, under a spell.
"So, what's up with your family? Your parents got divorced, huh?"
He nods slowly like he's still trying to process what happened. "Yeah, it was a little crazy. My father filed for divorce and moved out of their place last year just before Christmas. I didn't find out until after Katie's funeral. With my mother being a lawyer," he pauses, "and, well, being my mother, the whole thing was pretty contentious. It dragged on for months." He lifts a brow and glances at me. "She's the type of person who always has to be right and get the last word, you know? So it was brutal for my father. He just wanted out. Just wanted to walk away, even if it was only with the clothes on his back. She wanted to fight, because that's what she does best."