Ma's in the kitchen when I get there. Her coffee mug is raised halfway to her mouth. She doesn't look surprised to see me up so early. Without hesitation she sets her mug on the counter and walks over to me. This is the part where we say good morning and make small talk. The part where we act like it's any other day.
Except that it's not any other day.
Ma wraps her arms around my waist, and I wrap mine around her shoulders and pull her in tight. We both hold on. She's tense, and she's trying not to cry. She always tenses up when she's trying to hold back emotion. It's hard for her because she's emotional by nature. It's not that she's a crier. She's not, but she wears her heart on her sleeve. She's easy to read because she shares her emotions with everyone she meets.
We stand there for a long time before I say anything. "Twenty-one. Can you believe it, Ma? Bright Side would've been twenty-one today."
Ma nods and repeats, "Twenty-one."
I don't know why, but I'm smiling thinking about her. For a moment I'm filled up with light. Bright Side's light. It truly was fucking infectious. "I bet she would've spent today on a wicked, drunken rager."
I feel Ma trembling with laughter against me, and hear her chuckle quietly. It makes my heart happy to hear her laugh.
"I don't know about a rager, honey, but I'm certain she would have made the most of it. That's what Kate always did best. She always knew how to make the most of every day."
I'm still smiling. "She did. Guaranteed she would've done a twenty-first proud. Rager. I'm telling you, it would've been epic."
Ma laughs again. "Maybe you're right."
I release her and pour myself a cup of coffee and stir in a few scoops of sugar before turning back to Ma. "You going to the cemetery today?"
She smiles and nods. "I am. Do you want to come with me?"
I surprise myself when I answer without even thinking about it. "Wouldn't miss it."
After we both shower and dress, Ma drives us to the florist for two bouquets of yellow tulips. Then we stop at the convenience store for four Twix bars. By the time we park in the cemetery lot, Ma's hands are clenching the steering wheel so tight I swear she's going to leave an impression. I've been trying like hell the entire ride to not think about what we're doing. I thought that terror would overtake me. It's strange, because now that we're here, I feel calm. I feel like Bright Side is nearby. I haven't visited since the funeral, because I thought it would destroy me. I thought it would amp up my anger. I thought it would remind me that my life is shit without her. But, right now, in this moment, I feel more whole than I have in months. Leave it to Bright Side to haunt me from the grave—and instead of it being creepy, it's sunshine and rainbows and fucking unicorns.
"You okay, Ma?" I ask.
She nods. She can't talk. I pat her right hand, then step out of the car and gather the flowers, candy bars, and a blanket from Ma's trunk before walking around to open Ma's door. She's still holding onto the steering wheel for dear life. I shift everything I'm carrying to one arm and gently pry her fingers off the wheel. Taking her by the hand, I urge her out of the car and we walk hand-in-hand to Bright Side and Grace. When we reach their small, simple, matching headstones, I release Ma's hand and spread out the blanket. Ma sits down without ever taking her eyes off the headstones. She's not blinking and her eyes are full of fresh tears.
I don't know if Ma's visited Bright Side here, so I ask. "This your first time, Ma?" Bright Side passed in January. It's been nine months.
She shakes her head slowly and pries her eyes away to look at me. It's only then that she smiles. "I visit them every week. I don't stay long ... just stop long enough to make sure my girls are okay."
I have the best mom in the entire world. She loved them like she loves me. Fiercely and with her whole heart. "Well, looks like I really am the asshole then, first time and all."
She smiles at my joke.
I remove the cellophane from both bouquets and lay a bundle on the grass just in front of each headstone. It's warm today, they'll wilt quickly in the heat, but they're fresh and pretty now. Grace loved yellow tulips. And Bright Side loved whatever Grace loved, so I know they'll both be happy. Next I unwrap a Twix bar for each of them and set them next to the flowers in the grass. "Sorry, it's not frozen, Bright Side. I'm winging this visit today and I didn't have time to prep properly, dude. Deal with it," I taunt.
Ma laughs behind me. "She did like them frozen, didn't she? I'd forgotten that."
I shift back onto the blanket and hand Ma her Twix bar while I open mine. "Damn skippy, she did. She was picky as hell when it came to coffee and chocolate. Coffee had to be black and chocolate had to be frozen."
Ma laughs again. And then we eat in silence. The silence is nice.
After we finish our candy, we tell stories about Grace and Bright Side. They were family. We did everything together. There are a million stories to choose from.
The sun's getting high overhead when Ma and I decide it's time to leave. We've had the place to ourselves since we arrived. It's been peaceful and warm, and the sky is a bright ocean of blue. Ma kneels down and lovingly runs her hand over each headstone, her fingers passing over their names. The tenderness and adoration on her face and in her touch is lovely. There's no other way to describe it. It's a reminder of the beautiful things the human heart makes possible. She tells them both to be good. She tells them both she loves them. She tells them both she's hugging them. And then she tells them both good-bye. I have a feeling she does this every week when she visits. It's a ritual. A sincere, loving ritual.