He comes for me, taking my face in his hands. “Just shut up for a while and fuck me.”
He kisses me, and I squeeze my eyes shut, the tears now spilling over and streaming down my cheeks. Goddamn him. He steals my breath, covering my mouth and moving over my lips hard and forceful, and I want to give in. The stress and the worry have gone on so long and been too much, and if I could just forget for a while it would feel so good.
Gripping my ass in both hands, he lifts me up, forcing my legs around his waist, and we fall back on the bed, him coming down on top of me.
Something holds me back, though. Like I’m back in the trailer park with my dad and stepmom. They don’t see me.
Cole doesn’t see me. I could be anyone right now.
I tear my mouth away and push at him. “Get off me.”
“Baby, please.” He kisses my neck, and I know him well enough to know that sound in his voice. He’s upset, too. “Just be a girlfriend for tonight. We used to have fun. Let’s just have fun.”
“No.” I shake my head, tensing. “I’m pissed at you. I need some air.”
And I’ll feel worse when it’s over.
He keeps kissing me, and I growl, shoving him off. He finally lets go and falls to the bed next to me. He barely hesitates and then he’s on his feet and yanking open the bedroom door, charging out of the room.
In moments, I hear his engine start, tires peel, and then he’s gone.
Asshole.
But part of me can’t help but breathe easier now, too.
I feel like I belong here more when he’s not here.
He never used to treat me like that. Tears well in my eyes, but I blink, pushing them away.
Rising from the bed, I go over to the TV stand and pick up the stack of bills to be paid laying on top. A water bill from the old apartment, a doctor bill still not completely paid off from when I thought I broke my ankle last summer, a phone bill, and two of Cole’s credit card bills about to go to collection. I don’t have medical insurance, and every day I’m scared something is going to happen that will take me to the hospital for a twenty-thousand-dollar emergency room visit.
I have no working car, and even if I did, I can barely afford the insurance anyway, with whatever extra student loan money I’ll have after my tuition is paid in the fall going to living expenses. I can take out another loan, but I don’t want to be weighed down with that bill for the rest of my life, so I try not to take out much.
And every time I check the mail, there’s a new, unfortunate surprise.
Opening the top drawer of the bureau, I pull out my tips I’d made the last week that I haven’t deposited yet and spread out the wrinkled bills in my hands.
A hundred-forty-two dollars. The hole I’m in keeps getting deeper, because I’m not making enough to dig myself out.
I stuff the cash back into the drawer and pick out the wet T-shirt contest flyer I’d hidden in there, as well, and look at it. Three hundred dollars isn’t enough to make it worth it, but bartending at The Hook or…doing what my sister does and bringing home that kind of money might be.
For a moment, I can’t help entertain the idea. To be able to have cash in my pocket that isn’t already the gone the moment I earn in. To have nice things. To have a car.
But then I think of Cole and Jay and the guys I went to school with coming in and watching me, and I shove the paper back into the drawer, wanting to throw up. Strangers might not be unbearable, but I’m not dancing for the guys I went to high school with.
And bartending there would be almost as bad. The outfits I’d have to wear, the customers I’d be serving…
Leaving the bedroom, I head downstairs and round the bannister, continuing into the kitchen, through the laundry room, and out the back door.
The air hits me, and suddenly, I can breathe again. The fragrant trees and freshly mowed grass fills my nostrils, and aside from the light illuminating the pool underneath the water, it’s completely dark back here.
I walk to the deep end and sit on the edge, submerging my legs in the water halfway up my calves. The cool water covers my skin like a hug, instantly easing my heated nerves.
Cole will be back late. By then, we’ll both have calmed down, he’ll climb into bed, I’ll spoon him, and he’ll layer his hands with mine, our signal to each other that everything will be fine.
I need to relax. I’m nineteen, and I have money worries and relationship problems. Who doesn’t at my age? I’m too hard on myself. Pike seems fine with me being here, so I’ll continue to pull my weight, and he won’t have cause for complaint.
And worse comes to worse, my father would never turn me away at the door. Everything will be fine. It might not be right now, but it will be.
I smile a little, almost convinced. Looking down at the blue surface of the water, and the white light illuminating the clean bottom of the pool, I feel a sudden urge to prove it.
I can do it.
Everything will be fine.
And I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and leap, pushing myself off the edge and into the water. Bubbles pour out of my mouth as I release air and sink to the bottom of the pool. My hair floats around me, the water caressing my scalp, and the flannel billows up as I cross my legs and sit on the floor of the pool.
I don’t know when I started doing this. I didn’t grow up with a pool, of course, but maybe it was summer camp when I was twelve or Cam taking me to the public pool as a kid that I realized how scared I could get of the unknown. I like to challenge that part of myself, because it boosts my confidence when I succeed.
Taking my laundry down to the seedy basement at the old apartment by myself. Sleeping in the dark without even the hall light on. Driving home at two o’clock in the morning after a shift and not checking the backseat to make sure I’m alone in the car.
I look around, twisting my head and seeing nothing but water, but my vision only takes me so far and the view fogs into nothing. Anything could come swimming out of the distance and toward me. Anything could be behind me. Anything could come up from the drain or dive in from the surface.
I close my eyes.
If I can do this, Cole and I will be fine. Everything will be good, and I’ll just keep trucking.
My lungs start to ache, but I keep my eyes closed and remain still. Something is staring at me. And there’s something slinking through the water, heading straight for me. I feel it. It’s coming for me.
I know it’s my fear, so I keep my eyes shut, pressing on. I know everything will be fine. It’s my imagination.
I can do it. I can do it. My lungs stretch painfully, and my throat burns, but I squeeze my fists. Just another second. One more second.
But suddenly, the water shakes around me, and I pop my eyes open, knowing that it’s not my imagination this time. I look up and see Pike just as he’s reaching out for me. He grabs me under my arms, and I bat at him, shaking my head.
My lungs are done, though, and I can’t take anymore. Pushing him away through the water, I plant my feet on the bottom of the pool and push off, shooting for the surface.
I break through, coughing with hair plastered to my face. I hear him spit water out next to me.
“What the hell are you doing?” I growl.
“I thought you were drowning! What the hell? What were you doing?”
I cough again, wheezing as I draw in a lungful of air. “Facing my fears. Damn,” I grumble as I swim for the edge.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I swing my arm up and over the ledge, my muscles weak from the scare he just gave me.
“Are you sure?”
He hauls himself up and climbs out of the pool, reaching out a hand for me to take.
I ignore it and the question, pushing myself up to sit on the edge again.
If he saw me go into the water, then I guess he was probably wondering what I was doing there, but still…
I almost beat the challenge.
The shirt hangs on me, heavy and wet, but I can’t take it off. There’s nothing on underneath. I cough again, clearing my throat and catching my breath. He stands next to me, quiet.
“I heard you and Cole fighting,” he finally says.
From outside? Great.
He squats down next to me, facing the water, too. I can’t imagine what he must be thinking. I’m fighting with his son, and then I’m diving fully-clothed into a pool. Yeah…
I take a deep breath, making sure to calm my tone to ease him. “I make deals with myself,” I say to him but don’t meet his eyes. “If I can do something I don’t want to do, then everything will be fine. If I do something that scares me, then I can beat whatever else comes.” I half-smile. “I don’t like to swim alone. It creeps me out. Especially at night.”
I finally turn my gaze on him. He’s staring down at the pool, listening.
“It’s a game I play with myself,” I tell him.
He nods, understanding.
“Cole doesn’t want me here,” I say, dropping my eyes as needles stab my throat. “I don’t think he wants me at all anymore.”
I don’t know why I’m telling him this, but he listens. On the rare occasions we have talked, he seems to want to hear. It’s easy with him.
“He’s young,” he explains. “We all do and say selfish things when we think we own the world.”
“Do I?” I shoot back.
I mean, I’m no angel, but I know I treat Cole better than he treats me.
Pike doesn’t say anything, but I can see him looking at me.
I’m a pushover. I walked away from my ex and my parents, but I never let them have it. I never fought back. I just ran.
Aside from my sister, Cole is all I have, and I let shit slide, because he was more to me than just a boyfriend.
“Can I ask you a question?” Pike says.
I glance at him, my heart skipping a beat at seeing his eyes cast down and locked on me. The reflection of the water makes them look cloudy blue.
“How did you and Cole meet?” he asks.
And despite my aggravation, I smile a little.
My eyes drop to the scar on my thumb, and I lick my lips. “When I was sixteen, I worked at a car wash,” I tell him. “No other girls worked there, but it was all I could find, so I gutted it out with a team full of guys.”