They were set to leave for their first stop in France in early August, so at least I had Tati for part of the summer. Matt would be leaving in the beginning of June, right after graduation.
One day, while eating sandwiches near the fountain in Washington Square Park, Tati said to me, “If Matt stays in South America longer than the summer, you should join the tour.”
“First of all, he’s not gonna stay down there longer than three months. And second, I’m going to grad school and that’s the reason I’m not joining the tour. You know that.”
“How are you gonna pay for it?”
“I’m staying at Senior House for the summer for cheap while I get some paying gigs.”
“Dan said we’re going to be making good money. You could always save up and go to grad school later.”
“No, I can’t. I can’t just leave and go cruising around Europe with you guys for a year and a half. Why do you always bring this up?”
“Calm down, Grace. Shit, you always get bent out of shape over this. You can mess up your life for a guy all you want to,” she mumbled.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and walked away.
She came running after me so I gave her a little piece of my mind. “You think I’m bent out of shape? Because I don’t want to run away and join Dan’s circus? May I remind you that you couldn’t stand him before? And since when do you call him Dan?”
“I’m sorry Matt is leaving and that you’re going to be miserable.”
“That’s not it at all.” Though that was totally it.
“Dan really cares for you. For all of us. He bought that picture Matt took because he knew you guys needed the money.”
“What?” I stared at her in shock, my emotions spinning out of control. “Why do you want to hurt me when you know I’m already hurting so badly?”
“I don’t. I just want you to do the right thing for you, not for you and Matt. It sounds like he’s doing what’s right for him.”
We were standing at the entrance to the subway. “I gotta go, Tati.” I ran down the stairs and took the next train that arrived, riding around for hours to clear my head.
By late afternoon I was sitting in front of Orvin’s closed shop, wishing I could talk to him, when Dan passed by.
“Grace, Orvin’s is closed on Sundays,” Dan said.
“Yeah, I realize that.”
He was staring down at me with his kind smile. “Can I sit?”
“Sure.”
“Something you want to talk about?”
“No.”
“Have you been practicing?”
“Of course.” The last thing I needed was Dan with his Professor hat on. I turned and looked at him pointedly. “Why’d you buy that photo?”
He didn’t miss a beat. “Because I liked it.”
“That had to have been the highest price paid for a piece of student artwork. Ever. In the history of college artwork.”
“Honestly, Grace, you know I’m a straight shooter. It’s a beautiful photograph and I think Matt’s work will be worth something someday.”
“You didn’t buy it because you knew we needed the money?”
“Not at all.” Little white lies. “Will you tell me what’s bothering you?”
I shook my head and looked down to his lap, where he was holding a few folded sheets of paper. “Is that new music?”
“No, actually, this is the paperwork to get my last name changed. Believe it or not, I could handle it as a professor, but as a composer and conductor, I need something new.”
“So you’re changing your name? Just like that?”
“Yeah, I even ran the idea by my father, thinking he would be offended, but he told he was happy to have the name end with him. I’m making a small adjustment from Pornsake to Porter.”
“Daniel Porter. That has a nice ring to it.”
“Why thank you, Graceland.”
Hot wind blasted my face from a passing bus. I felt a tinge of nausea and closed my eyes.
“You okay, Grace?”
“I feel like I’m gonna throw up.” And then, just like that, I was heaving the pastrami on rye I’d had in the park with Tati into a nearby trash can.
Dan was rubbing my back and repeating nice things to me. “Get it all out . . . that’s it.”
I stood up straight. “Jesus, that was gross.” I wiped my mouth. “I better get home, I feel like crap.”
“It’ll be okay, Grace. Whatever you’re going through, you’ll figure it out,” he called out to me as I headed toward my dorm.
“Thanks, Professor.” I held up my hand as I walked away.
“It’s Dan!”
AS THE DAYS careened past me in a rush, I tried to memorize every moment with Matt. When I wasn’t with him, I wished I was. One day, he brought a beta fish to my room after class. “I bought him to keep you company while I’m gone. His name is Jeff Buckley.”
I laughed and then leaned up and kissed him. “Thank you, you’re sweet.” But, really, I only wanted Matt to keep me company.
I spent graduation day with Matt and his dad and stepmom. After the ceremony we had dinner and went back to Matt’s dorm, where he and I stayed for the next few days. He wouldn’t let me out of his sight.
On June fourth, the day before Matt left, while he was at the doctor getting necessary inoculations for his trip, I stopped into my favorite café in the East village for a coffee. I was sitting at the bar, looking out the front window, when I overheard the café owner’s daughter, who worked as a waitress there, mumbling about an “utter tragedy.” She was crying to her father as he held her. An older, hippie-looking woman came over and wiped down the wooden bar top. “Did you hear?”