“Can we watch a movie tonight?” she blurts out as she’s cleaning off the table after dinner.
“A movie?”
“Yeah. I thought we could just sit on the couch together and watch a movie. Don’t you do that?”
“Not usually with a chick. I fuck them and then they go.”
She stops and stares at me as if I’ve grown five heads. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m dead serious.”
I watch her load the dishwasher, clanking the dishes together, glaring daggers at me. “How did you manage to have a child with someone? Were you married? Living together? You must have had some kind of relationship, right?”
Rage boils inside me. Is she seriously judging me? And bringing up my dead daughter?
“That shit is off-limits.” I stand up quickly in anger, banging into the table.
“Why? It’s a normal thing to be talking about.” She slams the door of the dishwasher and crosses her arms, waiting for me to say something.
“Not for me. It was a big cluster-fuck, if you must know. She was just some stripper I met and partied with. I was wasted and sloppy. I never wanted anything else to do with her and I sure as shit didn’t want to have a kid.” I take a deep breath, hating what I just said. I don’t regret Katie. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. “After the baby was born I wasn’t allowed to see her, but that bitch dragged me to court to get child support and made sure I didn’t have any visitation because I was too fucked up on drugs and alcohol. It took me three years to get straight and pass enough tests to see my own kid. I had zero relationship with her mother. I hate that bitch.”
Tabi cringes away from me. “I’m sorry I asked,” she says. “I’m just trying to get to know a little about you.”
“Trust me, baby, it ain’t pretty. The more you know, the less you’re gonna like. Be glad you’re in the dark.”
I leave her in the kitchen and sink into the couch, wondering how shit can go so bad so fast. What the fuck?
“Are you going to do that to me too? Fuck and go? Spank and go?” she asks, stalking into the living room.
That is not a question I can easily answer right now, but I have to or she will keep digging at me. She wants to know where she stands, which is only natural. Women like labels, titles, and definition. Unfortunately, I am so messed up in the head that I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I acted on crazy impulses, one after the other after the other, and now I’ve got this girl in my life that I know I shouldn’t have but all I can think about is keeping her. And she’s fucking clueless, getting mind-fucked left and right, giving into dark desires, giving me permission to dominate her in the hope that she’ll get out of the hole of grief she’s in, and find what? What is she hoping for? I don’t know. But let’s be fucking honest here: I’m digging her out of one hole and putting her into another one.
“You can’t even answer me. Fuck you.” She stomps down the hallway and slams the bedroom door. I let her. Going after her is just going to fuel the fire that’s burning in both of us right now.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and focus on calming my breathing. I need to regain control of our relationship, and stay in control at all times. She keeps skewing me off, distracting me from my role, and that’s my fault. I took responsibility of her when I brought her here and invited her into this with me. It’s my responsibility to teach her and guide her, protect her. I lean back against the couch and meditate, calmly making a mental list of everything I have learned and need to adhere to.
~ Submission is a gift that should be cherished.
~ Respect is earned and not demanded.
~ Subs require patience and guidance.
~ We both learn through our mistakes together.
~ I must be in control of my emotions, actions and addictions at all times.
~ Every action I take and decision I make must be made with her well being in mind.
~ I cannot allow myself, or her, to become too emotionally distant.
~ We must have mutual trust for each other.
~ Mind-fuck with care.
~ Communication is paramount.
~ Know her limits, push them slowly. Teach her my limits.
~ She controls me just as much as I control her.
~ Our most important tools are: mind, body, spirit, soul, and love.
~ Love and trust are the only bindings that truly hold us together.
I want this woman. I refuse to screw this up anymore than I already have. Somehow, in some way, I have to make this work and build us a foundation that will protect us when the truth finally hits. I can lie and hide and be a fucking bastard, but eventually the truth will surface. I will not lose her.
***
I didn’t go to her last night and she didn’t come to me. I stayed on the couch with Sterling. I dreamt of Katie—she was smiling and laughing, as she always did. Nothing significant happened in the dream—she was just there with me, happy. I tell myself this is a sign from her, maybe even a visit, to let me know that she’s okay.
FedEx comes while I’m making coffee, delivering six boxes of various shapes. I carry them all to the guest room, put my coffee on the dresser, and start cutting the boxes open. I’m glad she’s still sleeping so I can prepare everything for her and hide what I’m not ready to use yet in the closet.
I have everything spread out on the bed when my cell phone beeps with a text message. I pull it out of my pocket.
Sydni: I’m back home. Can you come see me? We should talk.
Shit. Fucking bad timing.
Vandal: Kinda busy. Maybe next week?
Sydni: It’s important. Please come today?
Vandal: You’re a pain in my ass. I’ll need about two hours to get there. At the lake now.
Sydni: K. I’ll be here. Just come in. Door’s unlocked.
Pocketing my phone, I step out into the hall, closing the door behind me, and run right into her. Her hair is rumpled and her eyes are rimmed red.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” she replies, not meeting my eyes. “Is there coffee?”
“Yeah. Come on, let’s talk for a few minutes.” She follows me to the kitchen and stares out the window as I make her a cup of coffee.
“Can we get some vanilla coffee?” she asks when I hand it to her. “That’s my favorite.”
“Yeah, make a list and I’ll go shopping tomorrow. I have to go out for a few hours, so I can’t go today. I’ll be back around dinner time.”
“Again?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“You were gone almost all day yesterday.”
“So?”
Her bottom lip starts to quiver but I refuse to play into this and allow the drama to continue. “Are you seeing someone else? Do you have a girlfriend?” Her voice cracks and she grips the coffee mug tighter.
“We aren’t dating. That’s not what this is.” I stick a toothpick in my mouth and roll it around between my teeth. “There are no other women, either.”
She sniffles and pushes her hair behind her ear. “Why can’t I come too?”
Jesus. So this must be what it’s like having a girlfriend—all these emotions and questions …
“No,” I say sternly. “I want you to stay here. I want you to eat something light around two o’clock. I’ll be home at four. Your gifts came today and I have exciting plans for us tonight. After I leave, go into the guest room. I have presents waiting there for you.”
She immediately perks up, her eyes growing wide, and a small smile creeping across her face. “Presents?”
“Yes. And by the way, you forgot the first rule.”
She tilts her head and looks at me quizzically. “Oh! The good morning kiss?”
“Yes. That.”
“We had a fight last night.”
“No, we didn’t. You had a tantrum. Let’s not start it up again, all right?” Grabbing her hip, I pull her against my body and bend down to kiss her neck. “I can’t wait ’til tonight,” I whisper into her ear.
She shivers and holds onto my arms, resting her head against my chest. “Me too,” she whispers back. “Don’t forget me while you’re gone.”
“Not a chance.” I lift her head up to face at me. “No bad moods while I’m gone, okay? Today’s going to be a good day and tonight will be amazing. Trust me.”
Picking her up, I sit her on the kitchen counter and kiss her hungrily, thoughts of what tonight will bring fueling my desire for her even more. Her legs wrap around my waist and her hands entwine around my neck. Knowing she misses me when I’m gone is a good sign.
Reluctantly, I pull away. “I better go. Be good. Try to groom the cat if you can. There’s a brush in that drawer over there.”
She giggles at me. “Okay … I think I can do that.”
***
My thoughts are consumed with Tabi, Tabi and more Tabi while I ride over to Sydni’s. I wish I could have just stayed at the house with her and not wait until tonight to see her with her gifts, but I can’t blow Sydni off. Her timing completely sucks, though.
When I get to her apartment I let myself in, as I’ve done hundreds of times.
“I’ll be right out!” she screams from the bathroom. I help myself to a drink from the refrigerator and wait for her out on the back balcony.
“Sorry, hon. I slept way too late today and I’m still suffering from that awful jet lag.” She’s wearing her usual denim shorts and a tank top, and is rubbing her damp hair with a towel. Her eyes are red with puffy bags underneath.
“You look tired as fuck,” I tell her. “You need to slow down.”
She sits, and crosses her lean, tan legs. She lights up a cigarette, her long, fire-engine red hair hanging over her face and almost catching a spark. Last time I saw her, her hair was blue.
“Tell me how you’re doing. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here, Van …”
I wave my hand at her. “Not your fault, Syd. You were touring in England—that takes precedence over everything else. I get that.” I shrug my shoulder and shake my hair out of my face. “I’m doing better. I haven’t had a drink in like, two or four days.”