I snapped back to reality to see Nate looking doleful and watching me apprehensively. Russell was also staring at me as I sobbed. For a moment, even with blood gushing from his nose, Russell looked compassionate. He glanced up at Nate and said, “You should take her out of here,” and then he looked at me. “Go, sweetheart, I’m fine.” I know I must have looked pathetic. How could God be so cruel to let our memories live on vividly like images on a movie screen to play over and over as we watch in horror?
I continued to cry quietly as Nate lifted me off the ground. He carried me out into the pouring rain to a bright red and white truck. He got into the passenger seat and held me on his lap. In a barely audible voice he said, “I’m here,” and kissed me gently on the forehead. After a while he scooted me off of his lap and slid over to the driver’s seat. As we drove off, I rolled down the window, rested my head on the door, and let the cold rain beat down on me. A sad song droned on the radio while I shivered and sobbed.
CHAPTER 16
Love Is Fear
Nathanial
My hand throbbed. I knew I had a fracture from punching that guy, but at the moment Ava had my attention. Her eyes were sunken, her skin pale when I found her. When she fell to the ground into hysterics, I could see that the guy was startled. I knew what she was seeing in the image of a man lying on the floor, bleeding. I knew what she was feeling. The frustration of knowing it’s too late and there’s nothing to be done.
“Come on,” I urged, but she couldn’t hear me. She looked distant and lost in thought.
In the truck she rolled down the window and let the rain wash over her. Halfway home, the rain stopped but there was lightning in the distance, and the air grew warmer as we approached the ranch. I pulled over at the end of the long dirt driveway.
Her eyes were closed and her hair had dried in the wind. I pulled her off the door and rolled up the window then laid her down across the bench seat. She was asleep. I sucked air in through my teeth when I bent my hand awkwardly, feeling the strain of the fracture in the knuckle of my index finger. Ava stirred.
“What is it?” she asked.
“Nothing, don’t worry.”
She sat up and moved toward me, taking my hand in hers. She kissed it. “I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Wasn’t it, though?” Her voice was strained.
I cupped her face, turning her toward me. “Listen to me. It wasn’t your fault, just like Jake wasn’t your fault.”
She pulled away and looked out the passenger window. I started the truck and headed up the driveway. It was the middle of the night but Redman was awake, sitting in the rocker on the porch, smoking his pipe. I cut the engine, got out, and walked quickly to the passenger side. After helping Ava out, I looked up to see Bea standing in the doorway, waiting.
“Bring her here, Nathanial.”
Bea stepped out of the doorway and reached for Ava’s hand. “Come here, sweetie. Let’s give you a bath.”
“You stay here, son,” Redman demanded, pointing to the other rocker. His eyes looked hollow in the darkness and his voice was raspy. “I appreciate you going to get her.”
“I didn’t expect you and Bea to be here; I thought you were staying one more night?”
“Bea wanted to get back, and I wanted to have a talk with you.”
“Okay, sure.”
“I know what you did. In a matter of days, you’ve made some big life changes. For Avelina, I’m guessing?”
“Everyone keeps telling me what my motives are. I want to get to know her, that’s all. I can’t do that from L.A.”
“But the simple truth is you quit your job to see about a girl.”
“Yeah, I suppose I did.”
“She may never get over what she’s gone through.” He blew smoke directly into the lantern light, stunning a swarm of tiny moths.
“I have to try.”
He turned toward me, and even though I couldn’t see his shadowed face I knew he could see mine, facing the light. “Well, I suppose she needs to learn that there are as many ways to love as there are to die.”
I nodded. I understood very well what Redman was trying to say. Ava didn’t have to stop loving Jake or mourning him to move on and live her life, just the same way that one mistake would not define my career, even if the consequences were great.
I stood and walked past Redman through the front door. Ava was sitting on the couch in a blue terry-cloth robe, probably one of Bea’s. She was unaware as I stood there watching Bea brush out her long hair. For several moments I was deep in thought, wondering if perhaps I was trying to save her, and why.
“Bea, can I stay here tonight?” They both turned at the same time. Ava smiled faintly.
“Of course, honey, the room is yours.”
“Thank you.”
In the bathroom, while I searched the cabinet for aspirin, I felt a presence behind me. I turned to see Ava standing in the doorway.
“Hey.”
“Hey. Can I see your hand?” She approached me.
I held it out to her and watched her examine it. “I know you’re the doctor but I think I should put a splint on this finger. It’s quite swollen and it looks like you might’ve fractured or bruised the knuckle.”
“How do you know all that?” I smiled and she returned it with a serene look.
“This happened to Jake often. The rope wraps on the horn were so tight he’d get his fingers caught in them sometimes when he was competing.”