“I’m seeing someone.”
She shrugged.
“Exclusively,” I added.
“Oh.” She laughed. Apparently I didn’t have to worry about her pride. Olivia was as close to frozen as one could get. “Why didn’t you say so? Who is she, a nurse?”
“No.”
“Another doctor?”
“No.”
“What does she do?”
“She’s uh, um . . . she’s a wrangler.”
Olivia burst into laughter. “What the fuck is a wrangler?”
“She works on a ranch . . . in Montana.”
“I don’t believe you, Nate. Not for one second.”
“Well, it’s true.”
“And how are you dating her if you’re here?”
“I’m going back as soon as I can break away from the hospital again. That’s why I want to transfer to Missoula.”
She huffed. “That’ll never happen. You don’t leave a major hospital like UCLA and transfer to the middle of nowhere for some cowgirl. What, did she give you a good ride and now you’re hung up on her?”
“Glad to see you’ve softened with age, Olivia.”
“Why don’t you just come up and we’ll talk about this nonsense for a while.” Looking out at the blur of lights from the freeway traffic, she said, “You should know by now that those kinds of relationships don’t do people like us any good.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. Come on, just come up.”
I felt a pain in my arm. My chest was thumping; I could feel it all the way to my elbow. I pulled my phone out and checked for missed calls. None were from Ava.
When Olivia started to walk away, I followed wordlessly. We went through the lobby and into the elevator. She still hadn’t made a move to touch me. At the door to her hotel room, she slid the key card into the slot and looked back at me, smiling seductively. At that moment my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and saw that it was a Montana area code. I held my finger up to Olivia. “I have to take this.”
She put her hand on her hip and shrugged, as if to say go ahead.
I hit talk. “Hello?”
“Nate?” It was her voice, sweet and timid.
“Ava.” Her name came out like a breath.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Titillating,” Olivia said. I tensed up.
Ava stuttered. “Um . . . sorry, did I call at a bad time?”
“No, wait, please. I’ve been waiting for you to call.”
“Are you with someone, Nate?”
“I’m with a colleague.”
“It’s late,” she murmured.
I looked at my watch. It was nine thirty. I glanced at Olivia, who was looking smug.
“I’ll let you go, Nate.” I knew her words had a double meaning.
“No!” I protested but she hung up.
I turned to Olivia, fuming. “Goddammit. I have to go.” Neither one of us said another word. I left the hotel abruptly and ran back to my condo to get my bike. I rode my bike to the hospital every day, but this time I passed on the helmet and proper attire and darted out into traffic, pedaling hard. I got half a mile down the road before it started raining. It doesn’t rain a ton in California but that night it had to rain. What the fuck? My feet kept slipping off the pedals. Normally I wore click-in bicycle shoes that locked into the small steel pedals. My dress shoes were barely getting enough traction. After thirty minutes of biking in the rain, I busted through the hospital doors, sopping wet, and made my way to my office.
I tried to call Ava back, hitting call over and over. She didn’t answer and I wasn’t surprised. What was I fucking thinking? Olivia had me believing some bullshit about who I was for a second, but that was never me. Even if I weren’t going after love, in the back of my mind I had always wanted it. Everything just seemed to be getting in my way.
Sometimes life begrudges you; it can take everything away from you, like it had for Ava, but for me there had been nothing to take away. I’d had nothing until I met her. Even my career didn’t matter that much to me, in the end. I had poured myself into it because I was good at it. My heart didn’t drop into my stomach when I thought I might lose my job, but it did when I thought about blowing it with Ava. The idea sank heavily through my body like a stone until I felt numb. I knew the only thing I could do was try to get back to her.
I spent the entire night in my office completing all of my backlogged paperwork with the helpless feeling that whatever I was about to do would never be enough. Still, I remained undeterred. I needed to get back to her. My emails were answered and my work was up to date. The only thing I had left was to write a resignation letter. The first letter I wrote to my father directly and the second to the hospital. I apologized for not being able to give sufficient notice. I even emailed other doctors asking to transfer my patients to them so the hospital wouldn’t have to do it.
At eight a.m. my father walked past my office, backtracked, and stopped a moment at my door. “You look like shit. Late night?”
I stood up, feeling wobbly and worn out. I held the letter out as I walked toward him.
There was recognition in his eyes like he knew what was coming, and then he flashed me a small, tight smile. “I won’t try to change your mind; I don’t even know if I want to. All I know is that I want you here, but . . .” He started getting choked up. He swallowed and went on. “But I understand why you’re leaving. I’m so proud of you, Nate. I’m proud to call you my son, and I’m proud of the doctor you’ve become.”